Does anyone else hear a chorus of meows and hisses?
That’s because there are multiple cats leaping out of multiple bags in ”Little Mustachioed Sh–,” in which inmates, guards, and audiences alike learn the truth about secrets that have been hiding just under the surface all season – and, in some cases, since last year. Some of these confessionals lead to catharsis, or at least the hope of catharsis to come; others slash open wounds like makeshift shivs, leaving bloody trails in their wake.
But enough metaphorification. Let’s examine the episode’s many bombshells, in order of least to most earth-shaking:
10. The reason Poussey got sent to prison
It’s not a secret that P has been keeping from her fellow inmates – but it is something viewers have been wondering for awhile now, especially when no answer came in her episode 6 flashbacks. The answer: She got caught selling weed – relatively innocuous, considering some of the other women’s rap sheets (“I cut my husband’s d–k off with a butcher knife. And it wasn’t even sharp”).
9. Young Alex already had a girlfriend when she and Young Piper first got together
This secret is the focus of the episode’s flashback sequences, which may as well be titled “The Year of Magical Hair Extensions.” Everyone in Northampton but Young Polly must go to the same stylist. Anyway: As it should be, this discovery – which comes moments after another fairly explicit sex scene; way to lull us into a false sense of security, Orange – is a huge red flag for Young Piper. Their relationship begins on a foundation of dishonesty; clearly, it will lead to nothing but tears. And there’s also the matter of Alex’s soon-to-be-ex girlfriend herself, a full-grown woman with the soul of a jealous 13-year-old boy. (She actually puts a bag of flaming dog poop on Piper’s doorstep. What’s next, a Hurtz Doughnut?) Ultimately, the chemistry between the two is strong enough that Young Piper decides to throw caution to the wind and be with Alex – and, well, we all know what happens next. (Love. Travel. Breakup. Straight period. Jail.)
8. Fig’s crooked scheme
Take it away, Journalist Andrew, who’s putting the pieces together for all of us: “The prison is giving inflated contracts to companies that are either shells or subsidiaries of FitzCORE, and FitzCORE is paying kickbacks to the Jason Figueroa campaign.” And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling inmates! We won’t know the truth about the corruption until Piper actually sneaks into Fig’s office to steal her files, or at least take a few pictures with a contraband camera – though now that the idea has been planted, it’s sort of like Chekhov’s Corruption-Exposing Plan.
7. Polly slept with Larry
Utterly devastating for Piper when she finds out, thanks to a very suspicious prison visit from her (former?) best friend – though if it speeds along Piper and Alex’s reunion, having this secret out in the open can only be a good thing. (Actually, pause, let’s take a poll: Would you rather watch these two engage in a relationship with one another, knowing that it’s destructive, or are you invested enough in their individual happiness that you’d rather watch each woman strike out on her own?) At least one good thing comes out of this whole mess: Piper getting revenge on Polly by asking her brother’s new wife to leave a flaming pile of dog crap outside her door. Polly, knowing when she’s been had: “I deserve this.” Hee!
6. Red is hiding her contraband in bags of manure
Which would be why all of it literally smells like crap. The guards, alas, don’t get the memo; they sniff the stuff and assume it stinks so bad because it’s coming through “the rectal pipeline.” Lotta poop in season 2, guys. Looootta poop.
5. Morello is a crazy stalker
After what must have been years in prison, Lorna’s fellow inmates finally learn the truth about her beloved Christopher – and more importantly, for the first time, Morello herself seems to realize that something is truly not right inside her brain. The catalyst: Christopher himself, who comes all the way to Litchfield just to tell Lorna that he knows she’s the one who broke into his house, even if the police don’t believe him – and that if she ever comes near him or Angela again, he swears he’ll kill her with his “bare f—ing hands.” It’s a powerful, incredibly tough-to-watch moment; while Christopher’s totally within his rights, how could anyone enjoy watching Morello’s carefully crafted delusions come crashing down around her? The silver lining: Even though Nicky now knows the truth about her ex-quasi-girlfriend/current whatever, she isn’t going to abandon her. To wit:
Nicky: “F— that guy. So many people are going to love you.”
Lorna: “Nobody’s going to love me.”
Nicky: “I do.”