Mike Yarish/Lifetime Networks
Missy Schwartz
October 23, 2009 AT 06:15 PM EDT

I see no better way of starting off this recap than by quoting Althea: ”If Christopher can put that garment down the runway and not get eliminated, then I don’t know what’s going on.”

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Not that I’m crying for the one who did get eliminated. But still! What magical elixir of dumb luck has Christopher been slurping all season? And is he chasing it with a potion of profound delusion? To wit, these words: ”For most of the challenges, I found myself on the top.” Um, wrong. There have now been 10 challenges. You, Christopher, were in the top for exactly three of them. And three out of ten does not a majority make.

The best thing about last night’s episode was the restoration of our Holy Trinity of Judges. Hey, hey, the gang’s all here! Reunited and it feels so good! Not only was Sir Quips A Lot back after another absence (an appointment with the tanning bed repairman?), but ’twas he who gave the designers the challenge. The team shuttled over to the glitziest shopping district in all of L.A., Rodeo Drive, to meet Michael in his West Coast flagship shop. Before they arrived, Heidi hinted that they’d be meeting a ”top designer whose work is known around the world.” The tease got them all so excited (WHO! COULD! IT! BE?!) that they likely convinced themselves they’d be meeting the ghost of Coco Chanel. Surprise! It was just Michael Kors. You know, the guy who shoulda been judging them regularly all season. Wahn-wahn.

Sir Quips A Lot is a jet setter, see, so naturally the ”Michael Kors Challenge” was built around travel: Create a look inspired by one of seven of the guy’s favorite locales. They had one day and $150. The budget did not sit well with Irina, who selected Aspen. ”$150 is not enough to put a winter look together,” she griped. Huh? Since when do a Benjamin and a Grant not suffice to assemble a fab outfit that keeps your booty warm on the slopes? Does this womanever have anything positive to say? I shudder to imagine what’s going on in her head: a furious cacophony of wicked witch cackling and egomaniacal chanting: aheehahaheehaahaahee — I am the best, the rest can suck it — aheehahaheehaahaahee — I am the best, the rest can suck it — aheehahaheehaahaahee — I am the best…

Irina has become such an obvious villain that I’m guessing the producers don’t fret over finding footage to stitch together disparate scenes. Their motto? When in doubt, cut to Irina being a beyotch! Or even just looking like one! First she complained about the budget. Then she ragged on her colleagues for cracking jokes and enjoying themselves. And finally she berated their talent: ”I’m definitely surprised Christopher is still here. His dress looks like something an Amish woman would wear.” (Okay, fine, so also I’m surprised that Mr. I Don’t Have a Formal Fashion Education So I Cry A Lot On The Runway is still here. But the Amish dig? Not clever or witty. So demerits for that, Irina!) Taking down Christopher wasn’t satisfying enough for the Queen of Mean, so she beamed her deadly laser on the entire group: ”I look around the room, and the level of creativity and craftsmanship hasn’t increased in any way. They’re getting by on just doing the bare minimum and I try to top what I did the previous challenge. Cause I do like well-made clothes.” What?! Your rants are now filled with non-sequitors, you loon!

NEXT: Let’s not hear it for the boys

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