Bravo TV
Jodi Walker
December 02, 2013 AT 05:30 AM EST

As I write this recap from Macon, Georgia, I can’t help but feel particularly connected to the ladies of Atlanta tonight. My hair is big, my life is in an ever-evolving state of shambles, and I, too, have never really gotten the hang of the grocery store (what’s the deal with unrefrigerated mayonnaise, amiright?). Let’s check in with our Peach State sistren.

Phaedra is heading out of Atlanta for a few days to continue her mortuary studies and makes history by uttering this sentence for the first time in United States history: “Going to Alabama is a welcome relief.” She leaves Apollo in the middle of a silent treatment, so he decides to use her time away to seek out the valuable advice of a wonderful and loving husband: Peter.

In his quest for Peter, Apollo heads to The Cynthia Bailey School of Fashion and Walking and Stuff, because. He finds Cynthia wearing a cowboy hat while giving helpful feedback to a furniture-less room (drink!) full of meandering Atlanta models, such as, “looking good,” “very nice,” “relaxed,” and “more relaxed.” This is why they pay her the big bucks!

Peter and Apollo chat in the parking lot of the abandoned warehouse that also now houses The Bailey School for Models N’ Thingz while Peter laments that he wants an Aston Martin but it’s unlikely he can convince his wife. It’s almost cute how he pretends like he has concern for anyone but himself and his meticulously groomed beard. But even Peter the Terrible tells Apollo that if his wife doesn’t like someone, he shouldn’t be talking to her. Ever. Especially after she supposedly offered him lots of her crazy-eyed loving at The Beverly Wilshire Hotel of Sext.

Perhaps Apollo should just recite to Porsha this simple argument-ender big bro Peter taught him: “The only person who I want to be on my d— is you. Nobody else.” One of the words in that quote completely defines Peter. I bet you can’t guess which one.

On the reasonable-but-still-clueless side of town, Kandi has her best friend/assistant Carmen over to help her set up for Todd’s return to Atlanta the next day. They’re setting out cupcakes and place settings with glasses full of orange juice because those are the kinds of things that keep overnight. Bravo must have accidentally missed Carmen’s OJ with their regularly administered crazy pills because she very reasonably tells Kandi that she can marry Todd without her mom being OK with it because her mom is controlling and scary.

Kandi’s all, “Oh you already seem like you don’t like her so I should tell you about how she’s going around town telling people that you, who claim she’s ‘like a mother’ to you, are messing around with my fiancé. How hilarious, right?!” Carmen is not pleased because Carmen is hard as a mofo (and it looks like she’ll show it in the scenes from next week). Kandi says her mom just gets this way anytime anyone gets close to her. She says it like it’s not a certifiably insane problem, because sometimes Kandi is a laughing fool.

NEXT: You’ve just won RHOA, what’s next? I’m going to Disney World the grocery store!

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