The one who smelt it, dealt it, y’all. Always. Nene smelled the sweet scent of a redemption storyline for herself and drama for others, and ended up in a bit of a pickle—a pickle where she hired a psychologist to tell eight of her closest enemies that they’re wrong for thinking she’s ever mistreated them, but ended up telling that psychologist that she didn’t hire him to be a psychologist, so why doesn’t everyone just stop trying to attack her and move on without ever discussing anything. Did she think they were all just going to eat M&Ms in that room and compliment her on her jumpsuit?
The most interesting thing about tonight was seeing what these women deemed appropriate to wear (and eat) at a group therapy session. The entire clearance rack of Bebe’s loungewear collection was on display while Dr. Jeff and his college education officially experienced the chapter of his future memoir that will be titled “I’ve Made a Huge Mistake.” If Bravo wanted to be honest with you, the description on your episode guide would have read thusly: “The ladies try to make up with each other and realize their relationships are all broken up beyond repair… show’s over, I guess!” But they don’t want to be honest with you, dear viewer. They want you to believe that we can fix this mess.
And maybe we can. Maybe Phaedra and Kandi can get past the time they spent not supporting one another when one of them was having a kind of hard time with her husband and the other was having a really hard time with her husband. Maybe Cynthia can forgive Nene for calling her husband a bitch; maybe Nene can forgive Cynthia for…something I can’t totally remember. And maybe all of these women can learn to get along with more than just the one person whose husband they’ve yet to call a bitch, offered fellatio to, etc. Or… maybe they’ll just all start pulling Phaedras and deliberately not putting themselves in situations that could make them look bad. Other Phaedra starter pack recommendations: Wearing v-neck cotton t-shirts that are two sizes too small as though they function as a regular blouse; having a husband whose ignorance overshadows your own; and when the only storyline options that you have left involve sitting across from Cynthia in a golf cap or visiting your husband-enemy in jail, just go over to Porsha’s Thoreau-like McMansion in the woods and watch her cook a Lean Cuisine in a skillet for you.
That’s where we start the episode tonight. I think I could watch Porsha cook for hours. I could barely even listen to anything Phaedra was saying because I was so busy trying to figure out how one pasta—was it pasta?—dish could involve so many contents in bags. There were bags of frozen chunks of something, bags of items that went into a skillet with about an inch of oil, bags of some powder-like substance usually reserved for EasyMac. But Porsha was cooking all right, because you need sustenance to get through Recappin’ in Kitchens: Mostly, Phaedra just tells Porsha how Cynthia started yapping at her last week and trying to wave her hands around, so Phaedra got up and left. They agree that Cynthia is a mean girl and then ask the Lord to make their food calorie-free and low fat. I’m pretty sure they’re eating cardboard tossed in Coke Zero, so that just might work out.
NEXT: Fix it…all of it. Everything.