“Whatever I do and say today don’t hold it against me,” Kim warned Kroy before being admitted to the delivery room. (I think Kim may have unwittingly just stumbled upon her new opening credits intro line for Season 5.) She was understandably nervous about the day that awaited her, what with memories of preeclampsia and Arianna barreling through her hooha like a Mac truck. Kroy had his game face on, in the zone and ready to spike that baby. Kim wanted him to share his feelings. All he was able to really verbalize was his desire to make the lights on the way to the hospital. Kim chomped on her enormous gas station donut, that sad paper plate underneath catching the globs of glaze, the way some chew on their fingernails.
Have we ever met Sheree’s mother Miss Thelma before? It was love at first sight for me. Miss Thelma met her daughter on the now-levelled job site. Sheree sighed to her mother about Bob Whitfield’s pretense of poverty, and described how the lout used his daughter’s gift card to buy groceries. Miss Thelma clucked her disapproval and then took Sheree on a mournful trip down memory lane. Back when Sheree was eight years old her parents split and from then on she’d only see her father once or twice a year. All the poor child wanted for Christmas was a damn Speak & Spell. (How anyone’s heart doesn’t burst for a mini Sheree yearning to get her spell on I’ll never understand.) Her bum Dad never did come through, so Miss Thelma dragged his ass to court for child support. Poor Sheree, anxious that her two beautiful daughters steer clear of no-account men and that her handsome son Kairo grows up with a firmer sense of decency and accountability. “Hopefully we’ve broken that cycle,” said Sheree with tears in her eyes. In related news, Sheree wrote Santa to tell him she wanted a kat for Christmas this year.
Season 4 MVP Phaedra had her day in court, which meant, oh yes, Miss Parks in spectacles. Her client Dave was late, but he knew how to work his attorney. “Superstar lawyer, superstar lawyer,” he said, pumping her up like a boxer on the way into a fight. Dave was in trouble for excessive window tint. (I, square graduate of the suburbs, had never heard of such a crime.) That a bag of weed in his pocket. The judge, who deserves his own TV show mind you, let him off because of his high regard for Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law. Afterwards Dave got some dolla dolla bills y’all out of his excessively tinted car and thanked Phaedra for her influences and services.
NEXT: F^@&, S*@&, C*#&sucker, hunh!, glargh!