The time had come for us to endure Carlton’s dreaded Americana party. That meant plentiful shots of her artificially tanned silicones, a shot of her husband in a muscle tank, spray-painted women pushing shots of sponsored tequila, the Hustler brand as far as the eye could see. Giggy appeared to be wearing a rhinestone encrusted karate jacket. Kyle wore a mumu and then tried to shove Fat Burger fries in all her skinny friend’s mouths. Lisa groaned over the bruising on Brandi’s hand and Brandi stomped her foot like a teenager and cried that nobody understands her. It was an afternoon of women flinging themselves around smudged poles and lots of 40-year-old white people, half of whom I’d guess at one point in their careers auditioned for MTV’s Road Rules, trying not to get their hair wet in the pool.
Carlton certainly was a lovely hostess, so polite and inviting with her guests. When Joyce and Michael arrived she hugged them, snarling in disgust behind their backs. She promised there was nothing in the comped Hustler goodie bags that would chip anybody’s teeth. Is it terribly prudish of me to admit that I have no idea what this means? When Kyle checked out Carlton’s new tattoo she wondered “Is that a Jewish star?” Oh. No. She. Didn’t. “Really, are you f—ing kidding me?” snapped Carlton. Kyle looked confused. “You caaaahn’t mistake the pentagram and the Jewish star,” sniffed Carlton. “So you know what, bad girl. Your…” she paused to come up with the many things Kyle should hate herself for, ” … faith should be disappointed in you.” Kyle Richards, bad for the Jews?
In the end though Carlton offhandedly admired Kyle’s pretty blue necklace. So Kyle spontaneously disentangled it from her great sheath of hair and offered it to her host as a good will gesture. Carlton looked genuinely touched, almost to the point of tears, and suddenly her whole world view shifted. Maybe there was a God? Maybe she did hate bees? Nope, that night she would have a dream in which Kyle talked crap on her, thus confirming her imagination.
NEXT: Is it Carlton or is it food poisoning?