The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere recap: 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' premiere recap |

TV Recaps | The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiere recap: The Chamber of Secrets

Starring Lisa's sexy smirk. And welcome new Housewives Carlton, Joyce, and Kingsley!

Real Housewives Of Beverly HIlls Recap

GOOD MORNING ANGELS The alliance of Yolanda, Brandi, and Lisa is not long for the cause.

(Ben Cohen/Bravo)

Housewivers, it’s been too long. So much has happened since Paris, the city not the…the…DJ/perfume maker? Supposedly Lisa and Brandi hate each other now. Mauricio may or may not be a lout. Brandy is a #1 New York Times bestselling author. (Wonder how Jonathan Franzen feels about them apples!) And Vanderpump Rules is inexplicably still on the air.  Plus we’ve got new taglines to grade. So without further ado, take it away, Kyle:

“I’m from this town, I know what’s real and what’s fake.” You know what’s fake? Kyle’s husky laugh half of the time. B-

Whoever edited the immediate cut from “fake” to Yolanda’s breasts in that black dress gets an A. “Don’t tell me you’re my friend; act like one.” Strong, relevant, demanding. Yolanda gets an A-

Oh Brandi. “In Beverly Hills, the higher you climb the farther you fall.” Pithy, but its meaning confuses me. Does this reference her own plummet after ex Eddie Cibrian’s betrayal? Does it foreshadow her fall from favor with Lisa’s fans? I worry for her. C

It’s the Lifetime Kimberly Richards Movie! “Everybody loves a comeback story, especially starring me.” I feel like Andy Cohen fed her this one word for word. C+

Don’t f— with Carlton’s Tarot Card baby names, you bitches. ”In my world money doesn’t talk, it swears.” She scares me. A-

Joyce has one season written all over her. “You can never be too young, too thin or too honest.” False, false, false. D

And finally, Lisa (Madame Vanderpump if you’re nasty) speaks: “Life is a sexy little dance and I like to take the lead.” Wearing black pantyhose and nothing else. A

NEXT: Brandi spent her hiatus sucking on that realtor’s gap