The sun was rising a gauzy blush over Villa Rosa, the same pale pink as the overflowing vase of roses on one of Lisa’s many balconies. Lisa was in chill mode, which meant she was swathed in a plush pink polka-dotted robe and had laid out giant snifters of iced brandy for she and her sodden sex monster. On the phone she worried to Pandora about the impending vow renewal ceremony. “I don’t like it to all be about me,” she said, refuting once again Kyle and Taylor’s claims last year that she was an egomaniac. “I’m better when it’s about somebody else.”
If Lisa was floating in the clouds, Adrienne was down in the fiery depths, putting the last aggressive touches on her red launch party for her new red vodka line Zing. Female models were getting spray-painted red, men were being painted like albinos, a giant walking sexy magnolia hedge stalked the grounds, disembodied hands appeared from bushes proffering shots of Zing. In the kitchen a perpetually wincing and twitchy-nosed Bernie had dumped a Costco bag of cubed cheese on a plate and was sprinkling edible gold on top of mini red velvet cupcakes. “If you’ve been to one of her parties pushing a product, you’ve been to all of them,” sniffed Brandi in a private interview. At one point Paul, in between smacking bites of cheddar, wondered if they ought to use salad plates rather than dinner plates. Adrienne barked at him to be of use for once in his goddamn life or take it somewhere else. “Typical dig, typical insult,” sighed Paul. “That’s the way it is, I’m used it.”
Back up high, Lisa and Brandi agreed they’d both rather die than attend another one of Adrienne’s product-pushing parties, not that Brandi had been invited. They’d rather relax by the pristine pool, with Giggy trapped beneath Brandi’s robe. “Where’s the peanut butter?” our fair lady snickered. Ken trotted outside to see if Giggy needed a drink. “He does,” said Brandi, “he was between my legs for a while. He got thirsty.” “Why would he get thirsty between your legs?” retorted Ken.Bunch of heathens! Martin snuck up to massage Brandi’s upper thigh while Ken slowly rolled himself on top of Lisa and gave a few old dog pumps. “The new hip works like a charm,” he said.
Down below, the girls gathered at the party, each of them flying solo. “Adrienne’s the only one with a husband,” Kyle remarked, none the wiser of what awaited. Marisa gathered around the girls to read a strange text from Brandi. “I think I know what will save your marriage,” it said. What?, everyone sputtered. Your marriage is so great! Deanie is my life! “You each should give each other a hall pass,” continued Marisa. “Stupid,” said Kyle. “Stupid,” agreed the recapper. As if her marriage needs spicing, scoffed Marisa. Dean wants it from her every single day. When has she ever given anyone the idea that they were on rocky shores? “The only thing I do is joke when guys hot,” she said.
Throughout the conversation Adrienne moaned and groaned and poo poohed in exaggerated disgust of Brandi. Faye was so grossed out. Camille looked like she had a secret. Yolanda was over it. She grabbed Marisa by the cheeks and suggested instead of having a big hen circle about the text why didn’t she think to actually bring it up with Brandi herself? “Maybe she has a crush on Dean,” said Faye. Marisa thought the same thing. As did Dean! Kyle surprised everyone, especially Faye, by stepping in to say she didn’t think Brandi of all people would ever mess around with a married man. Yolanda agreed. You know Brandi, she said, she flirts with all the guys. Faye didn’t like the way the conversation was losing steam so she gleefully dropped dirt that Brandi had supposedly ruined the gap-toothed real estate agent in a child’s bathroom at Kyle’s white party. “I hate speculation,” said Yolanda through narrowed eyes. But Faye knew it for sure. Two separate people had told her!
NEXT: Faye blames Brandi for Adrienne and Paul’s split.