At the showdown at the Mulholland corral, Adrienne took a nervous guzzle of white wine to gird herself for Lisa’s arrival. I’m not sure we’ve ever seen Adrienne so dry-mouthed and uncertain. Lisa swanned into her seat, her gaze steady and impossibly cool. “You look beautiful,” stammered Adrienne. “As always.” Lisa didn’t blink, her eyes piercing and vaguely bored as Adrienne hemmed and hawed around the issue at hand. “I hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But at the time what I had heard had hurt my feelings. So I reacted. And sometimes you know friends react and they do stupid things.” Lisa’s expression didn’t change, which I now realize is the most devastating approach to ever take in an argument. Finally Adrienne caved. “So I owe you an apology. I’m very sorry.” At this Lisa ticked off Adrienne’s various failings: She’d devastated her, driven her out of town for a week, questioned her integrity, violated her, insulted her. But the magnanimous queen appreciated the apology and didn’t care for ugly tension. So Lisa accepted Adrienne’s apology, though certainly didn’t return one. Suck on that hoof, Maloof! In the restaurant bathroom Paul screamed into the wire for his wife to throw a drink in Lisa’s face, pull Giggy’s head out of her purse, stab her in the lash-extensioned eye with a patent nude heel, something!
In Malibu Kim stopped by for a quick visit with Yolanda. Interestingly, the scene opened with Yolanda pretending to do laundry in one of her three (!) washing machines. “So I stick my hand in this hole and pull out something wet?” I picture her asking the patient housekeeper she’d shooed out of the shot. Kim and Yolanda have quickly established an easy rapport. I continue to like Yolanda, blonde frost and all. She was believably doting on her 13-year-old son, and pretended to be amused by Kim’s Starbucks order for a homemade latte. See, it actually takes so little for a Housewife not to repulse me! Kim put the hard sell on the Ojai trip she was planning. Yolanda was curious about the prospect of vacationing with women but Kim kept using words like spiritual and cleansing and calm.
In the Valley, Brandi welcomed her literary agent into her modest abode. (Love, love, love the frayed G welcome mat by the front door. Get yours, Glanville.) Michael Broussard, who apparently discovered Chelsea Handler’s best-selling potential, was pleased with publishers’ responses to Brandi’s book proposal for It’s a Break Up, Not Cancer. “I’ve never sat at a business meeting before so I felt like a grown-up,” Brandi said of their recent whirlwind pitch trip to New York. “Until I said the F word, and then the P word.” Broussard seemed to think her banging body had done most of their work for them. “That’s so sweet coming from a gay man!” she giggled. No seriously, said Broussard. He’d called up all his straight male friends to brag “I just saw the best titties ever.” Business meetings are weird. “Well they can buy them too,” responded Brandi. Now I was really confused. Anyways, Brandi went on to pitch us her memoir about her spiral downwards after her divorce: “I drank too much, I f—ed a few too many guys for a hot second, I went on Lexapro, I partied a lot, I cried all day, I did everything that no one talks about and I’m talking about it.” Sold! And somebody get Anna Faris for the movie.
Kyle took Alexia to her driver’s test. She was a little whimpery about her baby growing up but I was more struck by the fact that Kyle should more often go with the simple blazer, blouse, jeans, and heels look. Nice change to see her in a simple pair of studs rather than her usual door-knocker earrings. On a similar note, Brandi looked amazing in a simple black dress and red lips during a shoot for Lisa’s magazine Beverly Hills Lifestyle. Hold up, hold up: What is Beverly Hills Lifestyle and since when does Lisa write for a magazine and wouldn’t it be evil and wonderful if it turned out that Lisa did plant stories about Adrienne in her own magazine? And the only thing that bothered her in this whole beef was Adrienne’s accusation that she’d ever stoop to accepting cash for scoop? Regardless, Brandi was loving being back in front of the camera. “Now I get why the other women don’t like her,” said Lisa, marveling at Brandi’s leggy beauty. “Only the pretty ones like me—you and Camille,” giggled Brandi. Looking over the photos Brandi grimaced at the sight of a thumb wrinkle or a shadow under her eye. But I think what she really wanted to do was jump up and down clapping her hands in delight over how much prettier she is than LeAnn Rimes.
NEXT: Brandi and Kim bond over their empty nests.