The good things about this Paris trip are the views and the fact that we left the crazies at home. The bad is that nobody threw any duck and there were no electronic cigarettes smoked. Instead we got new adorable friends Yolanda and Brandi going for a jog along the Seine. (Side note: Can Yolanda please combine her love for sleek, expensive athletic wear and the citrus fruit in some magical fashion and go as a literal LuLu Lemon for Halloween?) “Foreign girls are amazing,” said Brandi, explaining their connection. “That’s why I get on with Yolanda so well.” Mauricio and Kyle symbolized their commitment to each other by putting a lock on a lovers’ bridge and then Mauricio threw the key
onto a barge into the water. Giggy led assorted walking tours of the city but I can’t forgive the fact that we were denied a scene of him wearing a beret and nibbling on a mini-croissant.
It seemed like we were in store for a rougher episode when the producers alerted us that it was 12:30 p.m. before cutting to what sounded like a sloshed Kim prattling on to Lisa (who needs better walking shoes!) and Ken. “You guys are awesome, I’m so glad we’re in Paris, I love you guys.” It must have been the meds but it was like she had a giant plush dog toy in her mouth getting in the way of her words. In a stream of non sequiturs Kim swirled around the lingering tension she felt with Kyle, who was just “different” now. Lisa seconded that her relationship too was forever changed with the raven-haired sister. Kim didn’t seem to take issue with Lisa then, but she would after an afternoon nap. “I love Paris in the rain!” she said before swan-diving into bed.
Later Lisa, Kyle, Yolanda and Brandi sashayed out of the hotel when Brandi of all people looked around and said “Wait ,where’s Kim?” Kyle tried to get Kim on the phone while Lisa, in her first of many missteps all night, rather cheerfully wondered if it was going to be another Hawaii all over again. There followed a big, dramatic build-up of a scene outside Kim’s hotel room, with Kyle’s eyes starting to go really buggy, but then Kim opened the door with bed head. Girl had jet lag and took a nap. Downstairs the women waited for Kim to blow out her hair into a high pony and the camera endlessly panned between shots of an open van and a Kim-less revolving hotel door. When Kim finally made it onto the bus Lisa started needling her a bit, wondering what was the hold-up and what she’d possibly been up to all afternoon. Sleeping pill perhaps? Kim frowned, then reminded her that she’d been with her earlier but Lisa begged to differ. It’d been at least two hours since they were together and what was the problem and how drunk exactly was she at that moment? “Don’t talk to me like I stay in my room and I sleep all day…” Kim demanded, obviously feeling like Lisa was pressing on a bruise. Now I realize why the producers alerted us to the time earlier. Kim had in fact spent some of the afternoon with Lisa and there was no reason to insinuate otherwise, though I do wish Kim would just set an alarm for once or at least apologize profusely for always keeping folks waiting.
Outside the cooking class Kim stayed on the bus to cry to Kyle about what she felt was Lisa’s careless innuendo. She’d worked damn hard for her sobriety and she doesn’t want everyone snarking about history was repeating itself. Lisa then made it worse by coming to check on them and fretting over Kim’s tears and offering a dozen times to cancel the cooking class. Kim kept asking her to give her a couple of minutes alone with her sister but Lisa wanted to settle down between them like a prize hen and cluck. Oh Lisa, you know we all cherish you but this was not your finest hour.
NEXT: Yolanda shuts Lisa down