First, the good news. The Vanderpumps opened the episode in their kitchen attire, which meant crisp white blouses, Nantucket denim, and Lisa’s hair twirled loosely up into a banana clip. Something tells me Lisa is angling for a cook book deal. Subtitle: How to Make Chicken Salad Taste Expensive. I wish nothing but happiness for you Pumpkin but please try to resist putting Giggy on the cover. In a sweet unscripted moment, her darling Max ended his phone call with his girlfriend by saying “Love you too.” Lisa’s head snapped up, Ken’s ears perked, Giggly piddled on the floor with delight. Later on, Pandora’s Ralph Lauren model of a boyfriend announced that he had, for real this time, proposed marriage. Lisa was moved to tears—”I couldn’t be bloody happier”—and Ken was told to sit down before he got mushy. The smell of roses filled the air and Pandora’s ring took the attention off of Lisa’s lacy black bra.
In a patented Bravo cruel cut of juxtaposition, we moved to Taylor’s spotless kitchen where she was cinching a still-creased apron around her vanishing waist. Her cookies are going to taste of want and low-cal desperation. Dana popped over with her own ridiculous apron and Taylor wondered if she was still cool to host Game Night. No problem! Dana plans high-end events for a living and she has her pick of vendors and she is going to throw a Game Night to put to shame all other Game Nights. This is going to be epic, guys.
Kyle was the first one to arrive, and she looked uptight from the get go. Maybe it was because she had to wait at the door for 45 minutes while Dana clomped down her cement stairs. “This is Valentino,” Dana said, pointing down at her ill-fitting shorts, by way of welcoming Kyle into her home. Brandi was next to arrive, and she seemed eager to mend fences after her dopey comment at the barbecue about Dana’s fiance’s many mistresses. Brandi crutched into the house, teetering nervously up the slippery stairs, while Kyle looked at her with disdain. Come on Kyle, you had us all in the palm of your hand with your Target comment. Now wipe that cold look off your face and lend Brandi a hand already.
Dana’s house is like a really shiny barn without any animals. All there is is wood and a couple of weirdly placed chairs and a pool table peppered with desserts. Hungry? There’s some meringue glops and domino peanut brittle and some bread sticks she stuffed in her purse (Did you know? $39,000, The Row) from Villa Blanca. “For a party planner I just expected a table to sit at and some chairs,” said Camille, who continues to confuse me by being relatively likable.
Next: Ding dong, is the Sleepy Witch on meds?