My favorite time of every season has arrived. Reunion day, when the women gather on ridiculous sofas in their competing shades of jewel tones and try to explain away their various foibles and missteps. Camille and Kyle came dressed in vibrant reds. Taylor and Adrienne wore varying shades of plum, while Lisa appeared to be draped in navy velvet and diamonds. Kim was hopefully wearing comfy expensive cotton in rehab. Andy was backlit by a purple lightbulb and what appeared to be a stained glass window. Consider him their preacher, the man to whom they must confess. He got right to viewer questions (not our questions, which may have skewed more scathing and accusatory), on a sliding scale of light to heavy.
1) Does Adrienne wash other foodstuffs besides chicken with hand soap? Vegetables, yes. And she’s not apologizing for it either. Especially since her soap is antibacterial and organic. On a side note, her face looked particularly well-basted last night–like thick, golden turkey skin that crackles under your teeth.
2) Did Camille and Brandi make out in Vegas? Nothing beyond the lambada.
3) Butt implants, Lisa? Just tighter dresses. Some recappers say borderline too tight.
4) Was Pandora’s a million dollar wedding? More like 250, not that Lisa was spilling. Andy wondered if the wedding was more for Lisa than Pandora. Hush your tongue, Cohen! And the tiara? “I think it suits her, the tiara,” sniped Kyle. “Once a princess, always a princess,” snipped Adrienne. Ohhhh, so this was how the evening was going to go.
Speaking of Adrienne, she didn’t appreciate Lisa calling her dog Crack Pot. “That’s not nice!” she said. “To me that isn’t nice. That’s my child.” I can’t imagine I’d be offended.) Oh, and the Maloof Hoof comment? Really! What if Adrienne—snicker, snicker—called Villa Blanca Villa Caca? (Um, none of us would laugh?) Lisa didn’t do herself any favors by explaining it away as a cute comment about a “little, fat shoe.” And then reminding Adrienne that liked her shoe line and even wanted the pair of the pink shoes. Oh, there isn’t a pink shoe? Nude, whatever. (Pooed.)
Since we’re on the subject of Lisa’s (totally awesome, show-saving) humor, who else on the banquettes had beef? Kyle didn’t appreciate being called out for her attention-hungry splits.And by the way, when Kyle told Taylor that Lisa maybe, maybe preys on the weak, that was in retaliation for the splits dig. Alright Kyle, I’m your biggest defender, but that there’s crazy talk. (But good Lisa accent!) “Being in a friendship with you is like playing chess with Bobby Fischer,” Kyle said after Lisa’s apologies were rebuffed. “Are you saying she’s manipulative?” asked Andy. “I get nervous to be honest with you because I know that you’ll be angry with me now,” said Kyle. Well, that’s how it works honey when you say hurtful things about people. You don’t get to just heap accusations on your friend and get away scot-free.
NEXT: Unhinged Taylor montage.