Last night’s episode opened with three minutes of ridiculous, much-needed levity. No drama, no finger-pointing, no threats of murder or cries of breakdown. Just our dear Vanderplumpkin waddling like a duck in too-high heels into Adrienne’s kitchen. Lisa believes that what every rich Beverly Hills woman needs to know to get by in this cruel world is how to properly roast a chicken. Adrienne looked unconvinced. Her chef Bernie, lurking in the shadows with a finger to his peckish lips, his nose twitching like an angry bunny, positively apoplectic. “Stick your hand up his butt,” Lisa instructed Adrienne. (The chicken’s, not Bernie’s, you weirdos.) But first Adrienne wanted to bathe the bird in some Dial hand soap and then give it some color in her spray tanning booth. At the end of their fruitless session, in which Adrienne revealed she didn’t even know where her salt and pepper shakers were stored, Lisa suggested she stick to take out meals. Girl, Bernie is going to put so much rat poison in your cucumber water.
Meanwhile, Kyle, Taylor and Lisa have assembled to rehash game night one more time. Game night is like the Moroccan trip from the New York franchise. It’s been three episodes now. Let’s move on. “Who says I’m going to kill you?” Kyle asks her ladies meanly. (Bernie does, as he lines his burners with pictures of Lisa and stabs his chocolate strawberry serving forks into a Giggy voodoo doll.) I found Taylor rather generous as she shared Brandi’s side of the story, explaining that the new girl felt isolated and alone, and that her parenting skills were a particularly raw topic thanks to LeAnn Rimes. Kyle’s face softened for a half second. But then later in her private interview she reasserted “You do not say anything against my sister.” Unless you’re in a limo and unless your name is Kyle.
I threw a spa day once for friends. I had three different kinds of nail polish and one of those wooden happy massagers and I got a box of cream puffs and then we all watched While You Were Sleeping. What an afternoon! It was just like Adrienne’s day of relaxation except hers involved a staff of 11, a $40,000 face laser machine, complimentary Frette robes and real emeralds and rubies to sprinkle on your fro yo. Kim showed up late but it was cool because she had a totally good excuse: “I was busy doing things.” Kyle remains determined that she and her sister present a united front this season so the two took a few minutes to bond on the leaf-strewn backyard trampoline. It was fun for a second but then Kyle had to go and ruin it by wincing when her ponytail snagged in the netting and daring to suggest that they go back inside and rejoin the adults. Buzz kill, said Kim! “For me, I’m always bouncing on the trampoline,” she said. “Bounce buh bouce, buh bounce!” Unclear if she meant this literally or metaphorically.
NEXT: Brandi shaved her leg for this?