The episode opened with Taylor and her best friend Leese sitting for a little lunch al fresco. Boy, pinky swears really are powerful! Taylor looked pale, but mostly recovered from her descent into Malibu-induced psychosis. She confided, in a jovial tone of voice, that she’d blacked out and had no memories other than Dedra’s flaring nostrils of the night. It’s just that her heart starts racing so fast and she can’t catch her breath and after two glasses of Pinot Grigio she needs someone to hold her hair back. At this point the waitress came by with a freshly uncorked bottle of white. “To me this look like a cry for help,” said Lisa. And when Lisa sees a flare of need in the air, she responds. Kyle can’t come to the bachelorette party so what would really make Pandora’s night special is a guest appearance by an emotionally unstable woman who may or may not hate her mother. Vegas, baby! A night away could do Taylor good. If s&@^ hits the fan, Lisa can lock her in a Planet Hollywood bathroom with a $3.95 buffet rib eye like the Hangover tiger. (Adrienne will have us all know that steaks at the Palms are only $3.50 and tubs in the suites are made of genuine Italian granite. And she would have sent Pandy and all her friends home with their own personal Playboy bunny waitresses if only Lisa had given her the chance.)
Let’s shift alliances now and have a spot of wine in Camille’s kitchen. “Do you want me to pour yours first?” Dedra clucked to Camille. “Is that too much? Have I told you lately that I love you?” Brandi popped over and the three decided that the best light was out on the garden wall. They all agreed Taylor was to blame for the botched belly dancing party. “She was glazed over,” said Camille. “She was glazed over,” parroted DD, the Lacey Chabert to Camille’s Rachel McAdams on this sunny morning. “Disconnected,” murmured Camille. “Disconnected,” agreed DD. Camille said some more things about Taylor had nobody to blame but herself and DD provided a weird echo chamber of support. What these women really can’t get over though is the fact that Taylor and Lisa were breaking pizza across town. Brandi wondered if perhaps Lisa was just being nice to a mess of a woman. “Makes Lisa look like the good guy,” snipped Camille. “She loves to spin it that way,” said Dedra. Have we learned nothing from this season ladies? You don’t go after the PumpkinPousse.
Paul and Adrienne bickered on the way to an inexplicable guest appearance on The Doctors. It drives Adrienne crazy when he’s hungry, when he skips breakfast, when he drives, when he wonders after the possibility of a candy, when his mouth opens and words come out. Such is the reality of being half of a power couple.
Kyle has a book? Well of course she does. She had to shoot the cover while Lisa and Taylor went chipmunk hunting. She wants to share everything in her memoir. Stories about marriage, parenthood, fashion, beauty… There had better be some fat, juicy chapter on growing up with Big Kathy in there or forget it. The book has been an enormous undertaking. Sometimes she finds herself
sending emails to her ghostwriter that Chapter 11 makes her sound mean writing at 2, 3 in the morning. So of course she wanted her sister’s support on the morning of the shoot. But our fragile bird wasn’t answering her phone and her outgoing message was a marvel of illogic. “I have lost all contacts so please do me a favor and leave your name and phone number. Please I don’t pick up voice mail so…” So….? So Kyle did a classier version of Sonja Morgan’s cover shoot, resplendent atop the counters in a red satin gown. Roxy! Portia!
NEXT: Lisa shags a Chipmunk.