Production placed a last-minute call before everyone arrived to shoot Carole’s White Elephant dinner party. Could somebody bring a lizard to the night to liven things up a little? So, never one to miss an opportunity to trot out his old smut routine, George showed up all smiles. He wanted a double martini for LuAnn and a side of kink with Sonja. He leered, he waggled his eyebrows, but his perverse heart didn’t seem into it. Even George wasn’t finding himself amusing anymore. “Looks like a cock ring Sonja,” he said, as someone unwrapped a present. “You know how the gay guys put that on their cock!” Sonja nodded at him, the way one nods at their crazy old aunt who farts at the Thanksgiving table and then grins like a child by way of explanation. “Jacques needs a cock ring?” snickered George. “Honey let me tell you, let me tell you,” said LuAnn, but then ran out of gas without telling us anything. Then Carole opened her present and a miniature George slither-hopped out. Everyone squealed. Carole recovered and remembered that the cool girl isn’t scared of creepy crawly things and held the lizard close.”You are so brave,” murmured Aviva, who has a phobia about holding things.
Sonja arrived late to the Sonja photo shoot. When she finally showed up she breezed past Heather’s annoyed smiley-face and hit the room with a blizzard of nonsense questions. “Did you bring tin foil? Did you watch my videos? Do you know how to cook in a toaster oven? Who needs a scrambled egg? Who do I talk to about dresses? Did you meet Jason?” Maybe if Heather understood how marvelous Jason is and how fast he can give a blow-out Heather would stop giving her the evil eye wrapped up in a toothy smile. But because Heather doesn’t know Jason, she remained pissed. “If you want to waste my time and pay me then no problem,” she reasoned, sounding entirely reasonable. Sonja’s first order of business was putting in a new tampon and of course Jason had to come with her to the bathroom. “Oh my Gawd!” she screamed behind closed door. “You see, that’s why the doctor says I have a young uterus. I do not have dead eggs! The Countess may.” (Ya burnt, Countess!) A quick moment of prayer for that poor, unfortunate gentleman forced to bear witness to Sonja’s youthfully engorged Playtex.
Carole is single and childless which, according to Ramona, explains why she didn’t serve a protein-heavy, carb-free lunch to her guests. “The only thing on the table was a bowl of M&Ms,” sniffed Ramona. Hold up, wait a second, Ramona was appeased by seeing her name printed on a candy. “Oh my God, I am going to laugh,” said Ramona, without laughing. “I am laughing.” (Still not laughing.) Carole wanted to show the women a little downtown sense of whimsy so she had a bowl of candy printed up with their names and brands. (Countess = Dragon.) Then the women, all gathered again for another completely unnatural faux bonding session, split a salad six ways and groaned inwardly about the prospect of joining Carole in St. Barts. Well, all except Aviva, who worried aloud about traveling on a little, rickety plane with a group of women without her husband there to protect her. Could she “summon the strength” without her best friend
Simon Reid at her side? The women wanted her to face her fears and get on with it already. “I have mental problems too,” said Ramona.. (Yay, the first step is admitting you have a problem!) “Do I want to go in the pit of snakes, or just touch a snake?” worried Aviva. “What snake?” said Ramona, sensing persecution. “I’m talking about exposure!” assured Aviva. Sure you are blondie.
NEXT: Ramona now comes in red or white.