The episode was saved by one hilarious scene, so let’s start there: Reid and Aviva’s Anniversary Party, a Sonja in the City production. Sonja had called the happy couple up on the platform stage presumably to fete them but actually to introduce Sonja’s hired musician Cara Quici. It was getting cramped up there what with Cara’s bosoms and all so Aviva wondered “Can we step down?” Oh hon. She then sort of slid/crumpled down the three mini-stairs in slow motion. Cut to the crowd and an anonymous blonde (possibly a Sonja intern?) gasping like Betty Boop and high-tailing it right back to the bar rather than suffer through the awkwardness of a one-legged Housewife down. If you’re ever feeling down today rewind and play that gal’s response to Aviva’s fall a few times. I totally want to be friends with her.
Okay back to business. We opened back in London, the vortex from which we will never escape. Sonja woke up feeling puffy so wanted to dunk herself in the bidet. What’s a bidet, some rube might be wondering? You silly, it’s where you wash your lingerie. As she was sitting there with morning face and curlers I really understood where she was coming from last week when she said she could see herself shaking a can on the subway in the future.
Time for croquet! LuAnn barreled into Carole’s room to wake the Princess up. Carole wore a cape on the flight over and now LuAnn had a cape. This exchange annoyed me almost as much as LuAnn buying a cape annoyed Carole. “You’re lucky I wasn’t pleasuring myself,” said Carole. LuAnn’s face twitched but then she countered by saying she has a “friend” who only uses a hand-held. Carole’s Mom had five kids in five years. LuAnn’s mom had seven kids. And so on and so on. I’m the first to admit that LuAnn often behaves like a haughty bozo in need of a good hand-held but I do think all this “one-upping” was actually her awkward way of being friendly. And I don’t actually think LuAnn’s cape was a cape. (I apologize for how boring that entire paragraph is but I’m playing the hand I’ve been dealt.)
A very elegant teacher awaits them on the croquet field. “Croquet is your game, champagne’s yo name,” cat-called Heather. “I’m not sure about that,” the gracious man responded. From now on when irritating overly familiar people bellow in my ear I’m just going to laugh kindly and tell them “I’m not sure about that.” There followed an endless game of croquet that LuAnn really wanted to win. She lost.
At dinner that night the ladies asked after Carole’s progress on her book. As a fellow author LuAnn decided it was she who could best empathize with the draining process of rewrites. (It was hell on her ghostwriter, who we met in Season 2.) Carole looked delightfully amused by the comparison of their processes. “I am writer and that’s what I do for a living. I don’t think that’s what LuAnn does for a living. Mmm. I mean she sings.” With that masterfully delivered zinger Carole won fans far and wide across the Housewives universe. “It literally is harder to give birth to a work of fiction than pushing a baby out,” she told the table. And with that Carole lost half of those fans.
NEXT: Ramona hates Heather’s guts. By Beverly Cleary