Karen Valby
September 18, 2012 AT 01:19 PM EDT

The Real Housewives of New York City

TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Current Status
In Season

Back in the Big Apple all of the women were reeling from their tropical extravaganza. Mercifully we were spared a scene of Aviva making the plane trip back over the blue. (Although a part of me believes that she just happily ate pretzels and wondered over the odd plastic rock that covers air conditioners in the catalogue like the rest of us.) The originals needed some stability in their lives so they gathered at a mutual (?) friend’s house to let their menfolk do some cooking. LuAnn was coo cooing up to Jacques big time. The poor dear looked positively spooked. “I’m terrified of losing Jacques,” she said in a private interview that I’m sure she’ll later attribute to suspect editing. LuAnn is a slippery woman and I can’t see her ever owning up to any real moment of indiscretion. And in truth I don’t believe for a second that she slept with Tomas. I more imagine that perhaps they did some Italian kissing but for the most part his job that night was to tell her how chic she was.

Sonja showed up wearing oddly placed Greek nymph headband and the gals excused themselves to rehash their Aviventure. LuAnn, in her inimitable I’m-not-involved!-but-I-bring-with-me-haughty-judgment wasn’t willing to pin the whole mess on Aviva. The woman has anxiety. It took enormous effort for her to get on that little plane.”Let’s be clear here,” said Sonja, in a delicious moment, “this woman did not split the atom. She got on a plane with her husband which he’s obviously done numerous times. She did go to school in France which you don’t get there by boat most times.” Ramona expressed her disbelief at being involved in any Housewives-related friction. “I always try to make people feel warm,” she said, her smushy face widening with girlish innocence. And frankly she can’t remember ever having to “put this much energy into a friendship, ever.” Cut to the East Side where Jill threw one of those awful little glass coffee tables at Bobby’s head in a rage.

Meanwhile Carole and Heather were getting bombed on lychee martinis at a noxiously well-lit bar with a lot of similar looking gay men. (The McMurphy brothers hit the town that night!) Godiva shots! And how about Aviva with her ruler, always demanding attention at a moment’s notice? Cherry bombs! Did you hear she almost got married in Jamaica. Jamaica, Jamaica? Exactly. Lemon drops! Radz, I love you so much. Let’s be friends forever. Then Carole and Heather got themselves stuck in the door which seems impossible considering that Carole is a kleenex-sized. Heather may have been nursing a hangover when she then went out with LuAnn for sushi. The Countess once again voiced her support for Aviva before announcing that she and Jacques were full systems go with their IVF plans. Or as Jacques likes to call it, their Israeli Defense Fund. Oh she had a good laugh at that, he does make her laugh! Too bad that joke made zero sense and Heather is still reeling from seeing LuAnn in Tomas’ pirate outfit.

NEXT: Aviva and Sonja meet for pizza. Unfortunately nobody ends up with a pie in the face.

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