The good news about the livelier second half of the Reunion is that we were spared a visit from George. The bad news is that Tomas did not show up in chaps and eyeliner and perform for the women. LuAnn groaned when a gleeful Andy announced that it was time to discuss la scandale. First things first, how do you pronounce the pirate’s name? “Tom-ah,” said LuAnn. “In French you don’t pronounce the S. So I really came home late with Thomas…” But right off the bat she wanted us to know that she and Jacques were still together and still very much in love. Ramona’s eyes went roller-coasty on us, and stayed in that speed for the bulk of the segment. “Why would you call Jacques in the morning and lie to him?” Andy wondered. LuAnn said she panicked. She thought the cameras weren’t on her. She thought only Countesses spoke French. Ramona, can you explain any of this? “Let’s just say LuAnn loves her men and she can’t keep her hands off them,” said Ramona, wagging her pupils this way and that. “And you can take that however you want.” LuAnn told her to zip it! Ramona insisted she was behaving. Heather, who’s good at rapping a Housewife on her gel tips when she starts acting a fool, called Ramona out for firebombing an insinuation and then pleading innocence.
In the end I actually believe LuAnn. I don’t think she slept with Tomas. At the worst she made him sing “Chic C’est La Vie” while he rubbed her shoulders. I think she landed herself in hot water with Jacques and the viewers by concocting a lame cover and the last thing she needed now was Ramona teasing her meanly. So Ramona apologized, sincerely I thought, and blamed it on that mean man Andy who keeps asking questions. LuAnn stuck with her story that she’d partied hard in St. Barths, but that ultimately her indiscretions were innocent. “That is the real me. I like to go out and dance like a pirate.” Carole snuck in a zinger, about embarrassing her children by bringing home said pirate, but it only managed to make Carole look bad. Doesn’t she understand that we only like to poke at LuAnn when she’s acting like a pompous ass? The woman was hurting. Now was not the time.
Attention viewers: Sonja and Ramona don’t, as they like to say in the Clubhouse, take dips with each other into the lady pond. When Sonja said Ramona humping a doctor’s table in a pink bikini was making her horny she was only admiring Ramona’s booty. Like everyone should, insisted Ramona. “Andy can appreciate my butt and you’re…whatever,” she said. Andy jerked his neck and flapped his hands in response to her ridiculousness.
Raise your hands if you think George is inappropriate. Duh. Every Housewife thinks so too, including his daughter. A viewer rightly described him as a “boundaryless lech of a father.” So what’s with the Ice Princess always taking wicked shots at all those she deemed low-class, white trash, disgusting, repulsive, and on and on and on and giving her Daddy an affectionate pass. The thing is, began Aviva, when she says low-class she doesn’t mean anything dealing with education or class. It’s all about character with her. (Which is why when she felt cornered in St. Barths she hissed up her various degrees and bragged about how many languages she spoke.)
Somehow in the time between filming and the Reunion Aviva decided she better cozy back up to Sonja so she was all smiles with the woman she once called a double-dealer and an embarrassment to her daughter. “Would you accept Sonja as your stepmother?” Andy asked Aviva. “Yeah, she’d be so cool!” In her one persuasive moment of the night, Aviva responded to the idea that she held her father up to a gigantically different standard of behavior than she did her girlfriends. “I don’t know how many years I have left with my Dad,” she said, as Sonja nodded sympathetically on the other sofa. “So either I accept him for the way that he is, I’m not going to change him, or I don’t have a relationship with the only parent that I have.” Well said, and entirely reasonable.
NEXT: Toaster Gate goes up in smoke. The pretend kind.