Archana Ram
May 06, 2011 AT 06:00 AM EDT

What was that sound? That shrill, grating voice that, when not shouting “Babby,” is lamenting about ended friendships and “pinotpolar” Ramona? That voice that greeted the gaggle of Housewives on Scary Island and inspired only terror not excitement? That was Jill, who was back from Australia. (Real Housewives expert Karen Valby, however, will be back next week.)

She met Kelly, LuAnn, and Sonja for lunch—and brought gifts! As she doled out the miniature koalas—which are absolutely not going to be attached to their Chanel bags as per Jill’s recommendation—LuAnn looked on half-bemused, half disdainful. “That is so sweet,” she murmured, probably wondering, “But dahling, what shall I ever do with this rodent?”

And despite Jill’s vow to not gossip anymore, she was practically chomping at the bit to get in on the action. First things first: Ramona. The gals filled Jill on everything that had gone down: Ramona, Quogue, pinot grigo, drunk text, pinot grigio, pinot grigio. Oh, also: pinot grigio. “Ramona brings grown women to tears,” Jill finally said. “She leaves dead bodies everywhere!” You can’t totally blame Jill for diving back into the dish. Ramona’s lifeline may be pinot grigo; Jill’s happens to be gossip.

At the lunch, Kelly rehashed the story of Ramona’s drunk text, which she had elevated to “threat” status. Oh, Kelly. Always attacked. But of course she spun it away from herself and onto Ramona, explaining that, in fact, she was just “concerned” about Ramona. If you’ll remember, Kelly isn’t about drama. She’s about happiness and friends and love and life and cartwheels and running through traffic on 5th Avenue. To save her faux friend, Kelly scheduled a lunch with Ramona.

“Not so fast!” the other girls said. Did Kelly even know what she was getting into? Clearly not, so Sonja did her best Ramona impression, which was quite possibly the best thing about last night’s episode, if not the entire season so far. The impression was snippy, entitled, and filled with constant misunderstanding of other people’s thoughts—it was perfection. But it also made Sonja’s Ramona-worship later in the episode all the more creepy. Hello, Bravo spin off!

Pan to a far away land called Brooklyn. Poor Francois and Johan Van Kempen. Not only are they forced to speak non-native French and watch as their father steps out of the house in this, but now Alex wanted her eldest to play piano for him while she cooked. And so Alex and Simon gifted him with a piano—one that also fit with the décor, natch—for his birthday. You could be a part of the New York Young Arts Blah Bitty Blah, Alex said excitedly. A less than enthused Francois seemed more preoccupied with touching mommy’s face. These poor Housewives children—from Francois and Avery to Sea and Teddy—never look happy. Though, if I had to eat Kelly’s Bisquick apple pie, I’d probably be sad, too.

NEXT: Sonja brings two people together and brings down another.

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