I had such high hopes for Micah after his unflappable handling of Peggy’s neuroses at the pool last week. But he threw me for a loop last night at Peggy’s plastic surgeon’s office. (Hey, there’s nothing contradictory about a holistic yogini Aries former active wear model getting her boobs done again. It’s her prerogative, yo.) Anyways, Micah had a few questions for the doctor about his wife’s “dentectomy.” Would they hold wineglasses? Say wha? Can he keep the removed silicone? Micah, seriously, stop. You know, to juggle with or flip around like boob pizza dough? Where’s that tape Tamra had slapped over her mouth at her No H8 shoot….
Speaking of, Tamra found another reason to get naked this season. (And it’s only episode 5 people. We are so screwed.) We all know how politically active the woman is and if it takes a pink maid’s apron to bring about change then she will wear it sans culottes. “What better way to support my hot lesbian friend than to get naked with her?” she Tamra-snicker-winked in her interview. So she and Fernanda took off their tops and backed their denim booties into one another. Yikes Tamra, your dentectomy scars frighten. Simon would never have let her do a ridiculous photo shoot like this, which may actually be a point in Simon’s column.
Tamra got a little teary unpacking boxes of wedding memorabilia. Eddie just assumed she set fire to her wedding dress with her wedding candle but Tamra wasn’t ready. He wisely decided to give her some time alone so she could press her nails into her palms and try to cry for the cameras. There followed a long scene of her slowly walking to the dumpster clutching two of her wedding glasses. Sadly, she laid them down on their side on the top of a trash heap. Am I supposed to be feeling something?
Peggy’s children, I feel for you! “Capri, are you ready to see your agent?” Peggy called out happily as her 1-year-old daughter who looked for something soft on the floor to chew on. At a supposedly very important agent’s office, London was put into a tutu and told to walk like a diva and do some ballerina moves. The child appeared to take a soft poo in her diaper and then started running around in circles, babbling toddler nonsense. “She’s going to need to be able to go to her mark and just stand,” sniffed the important agent, who I suspect is actually not very fond of her clients.
And poor Donn, I feel for you as well. It was family dinner night at the Gunvalson house, which meant Vicki haranguing her husband about ruining her special evening by burning the steak and then guilting her grown kids for not paying more attention to her. Donn’s misery level seemed to be hitting an all-time high, as he groused quietly about his wife working until Midnight or 1am every night. “I focus my time on where it makes me happy and it’s my work,” she explained. “What else do I have?” You have steak, woman! And a good guy to call your own! And cake!
It’s too bad that Donn and Vicki never did figure out a way to make their marriage work. No 40th wedding anniversary for them. Meanwhile Gretchen was deep in preparations for her parents’ secret celebration, which afforded her a chance to play Bond girl and then cackle over the hilarity of it all. That laugh is going to be the end of me. Should grown women wear cutesie pie yellow bows in their hair? Should grown women date Slade? And for that matter, should grown women give their mothers diamond rings from their own failed marriages?
NEXT: Somebody stabs a needle into Alexis’ face. (Not Vicki.)