Last night, Gretchen invited Alexis, Peggy, and Fernanda—with the understanding that Fernanda was only invited so she could give them free personal training sessions in the hotel gym—to join her on her Texas sales swing of Gretchen Christine Beaute. This meant that Alexis needed a new pair of boots, preferably one with a nice wedge heel. At the boot store she helped out the salesman by showing him a horrible belt that she was hoping to match. “Isn’t this hot?” she demanded of him. His deadened glaze suggested no. “Maybe I should start designing boot jewelry?” she marveled aloud. Make it stop, world. Anyways she’s really excited to go to San Antonio because, as she revealed later after a squealing slug of vodka, she’s miserable and unhappy and sick of her husband turning on the invisible fence. Also, she and Peggy have had a tense couple of weeks ever since she locked herself in Peggy’s bathroom during the dinner party. Maybe San Antonio will be “the new flow to our ebbs and flow.” More Midol with your vodka, Alexis.
Meanwhile Vicki was at work threatening to give some more spankings when Tamra called with her side of the story about Simon’s arrest. (Vicki had already read the news on a blog because increasingly it seems like all these women do is read about themselves on blogs.) Apparently Simon hates the dog as much as he hates Tamra so he stomped over to her house and shouted and threw a retractable leash at his wife. I don’t know if Tamra was really scared or if he meant to hurt her or what. But I’m certainly sorry that their son had to witness the whole mess go down. Tamra called the cops; Simon got arrested and spent the night in jail; many close-up photos of the offending leash were taken.
In Texas, the Bravo cameraman got an unfortunate close-up of Peggy’s scar in the limo while Alexis yammered on about test-driving a mechanical bull. She even got a bruise, y’all. At lunch, Gretchen wanted to know how the women knew when they’d found the perfect partner. It was easy for Peggy: Micah had his own company which meant he could go to Cabo whenever he wanted without having to first check in with Bill Lumbergh. Also, he had a house and no roommates. Duh, said Alexis. Of course he didn’t have roommates. She had more serious things on her check-list, like faith and a shared vision for child-rearing. Jim knew it was love when she didn’t have to go tinkle between the appetizer and dinner course.
Gretchen pointed out to Peggy that owning a house wasn’t a sign of character per se. Poor Peggy looked terribly confused, so Fernanda spoke up. When she and Marian were married … Cut to Alexis cocking an eyebrow in her private interview. Um, yeah, she belongs to a faith that doesn’t approve in same-sex marriage. “Unfortunately they’ll have to talk to God when they get to Heaven’s gates,” she sniffed. (She later called in to WWHL to make a complete 180 on her sanctimonious stance. Not buying it, Alexis.) But at lunch she had a nice buzz going so she momentarily forgave Fernanda her sinful lifestyle and clapped her hands in delight about getting the woman knocked up.
NEXT: Jeana isn’t even on the show anymore, but she’s still up in everybody’s business.