Remember that one time when Gretchen put on a baseball cap with a bedazzled evil eye and told Tamra she was a total bitch and Tamra was all ‘In my house, are you kidding me?’ and Alexis pulled at the really highlighted section of her hair and Vicki’s whole face twitched like a rabbit? Of course you do because every single episode of this season is a rehash of that non-starter of a fight. Now the whole fracas has been coated with a thin film of pretend Mace and somebody is going to apologize or at least offer to host the next party. (Cellulite removal? Permanent eyeliner application? Completely Bare vagina tattoos?) Anyways, Tamra showed Vicki one of Alexis’ sniffy text messages—new bejeweled tiger phone case!—and groan-vomited. “This is retarded!” said Vicki. “She is a ruh-tard!”
Speaking of sensitivity, Gretchen thinks her three dogs look like “fat ‘tards.” She forced Slade to pull out the scale, running a warning finger along her neck out of camera range. His strategy was to guess high, so that the actual number maybe earned him a lighter punishment. There was a terribly unfortunate flashback to Season 1 when he did some tai chi moves wearing nothing but a puffy eye blindfold and some underwear. “When someone looks at me they probably think I got it going on,” he said. “Borderline movie star, they’re not quite sure.” As big of a ding-dong as he clearly is/was, it’s still no fun listening to Gretchen pound away at him for being such a joke. He’s too fat. The dog fell and it was his fault, even though she was in the process of handing him the other one. Does he seriously call this gum ball flower ring a present? He’s totally going to break the branch off that tree with his fat ass and she is going to laugh her evil clown laugh for everyone to hear.
Come on Gretch, the man can’t take it. In perhaps the most pathetic admission of defeat ever, Slade talked a little about the state of his career. “When it comes to my prospects for work within the mortgage and real estate industry… I have none,” he said. (Hope you’re buying dinner Micah!) So around the 1000th time Gretchen called him a tubba wubba—smiling screeching after him again and again to drop and give her 20!—he clambered up into a tree for a wibble pout. “I don’t want to be Tubba Wubba anymore and I don’t want you to remind me that I’m Tubba Wubba.” Well that really made Gretchen mad. How dare he suggest that she’s kind of a jerk? He could’ve told her any of those 1000 times she’s called him a fatso and he never once did. His fault! Slade stuck to his ground and announced that he was running home. Gretchen shrugged; he took off at a steady clip, at least until he was out of sight and could duck into a TCBY for a tub of white chocolate mousse.
NEXT: Waiter, you might as well just leave the bottle with Donn.