Lynne alert! The banished Housewife was back, her mouth still hanging open from Fernanda’s clumsy revelation that the trainer and Tamra had sloppy drunk-kissed over a year ago. There was hot gossip to discuss over drinks, but Lynne needed Tamra to talk real slow. “Are you guys an item now?” she asked with her drowsy slur. Tamra loves nothing more than being the center of attention, especially if she imagines the scandal makes her seem sexy. There may have been tongue, she allowed, but absolutely no nipple tweaking. Happy Mother’s Day! She blamed the whole escapade on Charo’s Brazilian Moonshine. “I was wasted, to the point I could barely walk,” she said, as the camera zeroed in on Lynne and Tamra’s giant boozy tubs of pink pineapple juice. You could be next Lynne! No way, Lynne has never kissed a girl, she’s way too straight, entirely too confused about the whole lesbian thing.
Peggy and Alexis had to meet to sort out their tension from the dinner party. It just really hurt Peggy’s feelings that Jim had to work that night, considering the fact that Peggy has never known Jim to work. The Bible says to tell the truth, so Alexis finally came clean that Jim simply doesn’t like the Real Housewives. (Oh Jim, that’s so besides the point.) “That’s kinda rude,” said Peggy. Alexis’ lip curled. Can’t Peggy understand what an impossible position everyone put her in that night? She didn’t want to lie and yet she was forced to to protect others’ feelings. “I’m already in this cobweb in my head,” she reenacted. “Oh my gosh, I’m caught up, I’m caught up!”
And really Peggy can suck it if she’s felt abandoned of late. Alexis has her girls in two different dance classes! It’s just that Peggy hears about Jim and Alexis going out to dinner with other friends and there was that one time he was a little condescending to Micah about Lamborghinis. Oh, it is so on. Jim dared suggest Micah didn’t know what he was talking about but little did he know that Micah had just paid $30,000 in sales taxes on the Murcielago. She went there! Um, sneered Alexis, she can’t speak for her husband but Jim has owned like four Murcielagos. Boom!
Cut to Vicki’s tragic kitchen with the cheerful rooster and the big red letters spelling out CALIENTE!. Vicki was preparing food for dinner, aggressively avoiding eye contact with Donn. “Tamra has no regrets about the divorce,” she announced, as Donn stood sadly to the side. Tamra and Eddie are just having so much fun. Wouldn’t it be great to be with someone you actually liked? Poor Donn, willfully not rising to her bait, suggested they oughtta go on a double date. Vicki sighed, and announced she was going into work. Donn would be out front washing the cars, not that she cared. Yikes.
NEXT: Slade’s mother is the meanest life coach ever.