You got to give it to Vicki. Even after six seasons, that woman keeps it real. Surely the Housewives agree to production days, signing off in advance on blocks of times in front of the camera crew. I figure she and Donn arranged their work schedules so that they could at least pretend to enjoy some together time. But then a few hours before the crew showed up I picture Vicki just making a raspberry sound and deciding to do her grown son’s laundry instead. Which meant that Donn was going to wash the cars for the fifth time that week and all of us at home were going to take big gulps of relief that this was not our marriage. Now could everybody please stop annoying Vicki so she can hang up some of Michael’s shirts already?
Gretchen got home from her Gretchen Christine Hand Bagé promotional swing and realized that she’d forgotten to hire someone to feed and insult Slade twice a day in her absence. Time for some serious catch-up time. “He’s broke, he has no money,” she reminded the viewers at home. Got it. “You’re breathing pretty hard dude,” she sneered as he helped her with her bags. “Tubba Wubba. Good thing I put you to work so you won’t be so Tubba Wubba-ish.” You suck Gretchen. Meanwhile, Slade continues to confound by appearing like a semi self-aware, albeit broken man. While enjoying some wine out on the deck, Gretchen admired her man’s latest painting and encouraged him to start making some bank off of his efforts. “Mmm, my art’s not good enough to sell,” he curtly replied. Who what now? Did I just hear a person on this franchise cop to the fact that their mediocre product doesn’t deserve to be out in the marketplace just because said person is on a reality TV show. Anyways, Gretchen is really in a pickle because she wants a baby but how can she have one with Slade when the Internet says he’s a deadbeat Dad? That would reflect poorly on her after all. And don’t think she’s going to throw any of her money Slade’s sick child’s way if they were ever to get hitched. (Because that would reflect well on her?) She’s madly in love but she’s not madly in love and stupid. I believe just one of these things to be true.
Peggy was taking a color-coordinated Micah to Vegas to celebrate his birthday and she invited along new BFFs Tamra and Eddie. Micah had one shining moment this season and that was taking care of his bleeding daughter pool side while his useless wife looked on. Since then he’s reached epic douche proportions, whether he’s stringing together cliches as he talks about running seven companies or wondering if the photos of his lingerie-clad wife are “new boobs or old boobs.” Micah wins for making the most depressing comment on the state of our culture. Peggy presented him with her present, which confused him by having the proportion and measurements of one of those book thingies. “A book?” he said. “I don’t read.” Then he gave a smug smile as if he’d said something clever rather than embarrassing and lame. Meanwhile he and Eddie are totally vibe-ing and Eddie wants to borrow his shoes. What happens in Vegas… leaves you with a fungus strain.
NEXT: Vicki’s most unfortunate medical condition is called out on TV. Gretchen rolls her eyes.