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I haven’t cried this much since my childhood pet died. I came close when Justin Timberlake announced his engagement to Jessica Biel. I mean, he clearly didn’t see Stealth! Yikes. But my emotions went through a literal ringer — get it? — when Babbabooie Macawi ripped apart Siobhan’s GINORMOUS PHOTO! How could they do it? Don’t they know my attachment? Also, CW folks, are the remnants of this portrait laying around anywhere? I have scotch tape in my office and would be willing to move one of my posters. Would a Tide stick get out Macawi’s blood?
Well this brings us to the possibly final Ringer recap. Sadly, the jury is still out on whether or not the show will get a second season. Frankly, I need at least a few episodes to discuss if they could save that iconic piece of art. But I would say that most if not all of the mysteries of the series were revealed at the end of this season. Now, to be fair, I can’t really keep up with all the mysteries they introduced (Is this the show with the hatch?). But I do think it’s pretty impressive that the writers and producers were able to keep all these balls in the air and make it all (sorta) make sense. So, now Ringer recappers, herewith is my breakdown of the finale highlights.
TO TELL THE TRUTH
So the episode opened with a wedding dream sequence in which Macawi showed up to the vow renewals of Bridget and Andrew. And I don’t think he was wearing a tux. Le scandale! Then, we all wake up and Bridget goes to her AA group and tells them that she plans on revealing her identity to her family. Here’s one remaining mystery: Where the hell is Malcolm?
Apparently, the wedding is gonna be in Turks and Caicos so Bridget is gonna ruin that. Um, stripper, you’d be lucky is someone took you to Red Lobster — don’t screw this up! Bridget arrives home and finds Kemper in her apartment. Somehow this dude got out of prison which I’m still not really clear on. He says he wants money from Siobhan or else he’ll tell Macawi that she is Bridget…which she is. Confused yet? But he also only asks for like $50,000. Who does that? Shoot for the stars dude. They’re having a Turks and Caicos wedding. They commission GINORMOUS PHOTOS of themselves! These folks have money. There’s a flashback to John and Siobhan propositioning Kemper in a bar and asking him to scare Bridget so that she’ll flee to her sister. Siobhan greets him with the line, “I’m the good twin.”
Bridget looks completely freaked out during dinner with Juliet and Henry which apparently she cooked in between being blackmailed. Just as she’s about to tell Henry the truth, he reads her this lovey dovey poem and compares her to a dove. Awww stripper, you got compared to a fancy bird!! Romance! At one point, he mentioned how “amazed” he was at Siobhan and I honestly thought he was going to break into that country song. It was like an episode of The Bachelor.
So Kemper got a visit from Macawi who, after watching Glee, kinda reminded me of the dreadlocked dude from The Glee Project. Am I alone? It’s possible I’m just a mess after my favorite television photo was destroyed. Anyways, Macawi kills Kemper but not after he tells him that he’s found Bridget.
Andrew is leaving work when Gemma’s dad, Tim, stops him and tells him about the Henry affair. Yikes. And back at the apartment they’re having some sort of going away party. Um who has going away parties for vacations? I guess people who take GINORMOUS PHOTOS of themselves. Andrew arrives furious and yells at Bridget. Madchen Amick is back (I sorta forgot she was even on the show) and provides a shoulder to cry on as well as a place for Juliet to stay. Then, Bridget notices Kemper’s murder on the TV and freaks out and calls her girlfriend, Agent Machado. Those two are like besties. If she needs a maid of honor, I think Machado would be a good choice. But as she’s talking to Machado Andrew returns home and we have the confrontation we’ve been waiting for all season long: Bridget tells him she’s not Siobhan. He’s not thrilled to find out he was headed on vacay with a former drug addict/stripper/whore. I guess she’s no “dove”anymore. Bridget goes to Madchen’s house to come clean to Juliet too. Also, Madchen has a life-size samurai warrior in her foyer. Who is decorating these houses? It’s like some weird Bravo reality show with people competing to have the most garish decor.
NEXT: We pay homage to the best performance ever by an inanimate object in a CW show