For a show called Scream, the MTV series is a surprisingly gentle show. Yes, there are occasional murders (too occasional if we’re being honest), but after a season and a half of nice-seeming teens having conflict-free conversations about love and life, Scream has staked its claim at being one of the more relaxing horror shows in TV history.
Like, who wouldn’t want to hang out in these nice kitchens with all these generally kind, fresh-scrubbed teens? Even the “mean girl” Brooke actively wing-mans for the self-proclaimed dork Noah, and the mysterious newcomers have all proven helpful and considerate toward our heroes. Yes, some of these kids might be harboring dark secrets and ulterior motives, but heck, we’re almost halfway through the season and everyone seems pretty copacetic so far? What a bunch of nice kids.
At this point Scream’s only streak of cruelty is how cruelly boring it can tend to be, as though it derives sick pleasure from denying us entertainment value that its source material never did. Yet “Happy Birthday to Me” contained some of the weirdest and most wildly entertaining moments in its run so far. First of all, this episode contained a mass ayahuasca trip (complete with insane hallucinations) and concluded with a character doused in human blood ONSTAGE in front of a crowd. THERE WE GO. Yeah, we need to talk about this episode.
We began in an open field where Audrey was attempting to dispose of the bloody corkscrew that had been planted in her car. Now, Audrey is a lot of things, but she is not an expert at disposing of evidence. First off, a shallow hole in the middle of grass is not exactly inconspicuous. Secondly, maybe don’t illuminate your entire process with blazing headlights? Get it together, murder accomplice!
Meanwhile, Kieran and Emma were kissing each other using their mouths and the killer ran in the room and killed Kieran finally!
Was this really happening? Did Scream just dispatch another one of its main hunks?
No this was not happening, and no Scream did not. This was just a dream sequence, which as any horror fan knows is one of the biggest cardinal sins of bad horror (unless a fedora-clad boogeyman is involved). Oh, Scream.
So then Audrey woke up from a restful night of post-evidence-disposal slumber only to find that something in her bed had given her a puncture wound! As a helpful phone call from a vocoder revealed, the killer had dug up the corkscrew and placed it in her bed along with a handful of dirt. Which, rude.
Whichever way Audrey was or wasn’t involved in last season’s killings, it was enough for this new person to spend all of his or her time tormenting her over it, which was rich considering this person was a killer also. Ever hear of the term “glass houses,” you rude killer?
Emma was still steamed at her dad for getting in a bar fight and also for the time he abused Chill Mom™. She was also steamed at Chill Mom™ for, I don’t know, doesn’t matter.
Sometimes it’s hard to fill up 41 minutes, so at least these parents sometimes appear and say stuff. You know? That’s the least parents can do sometimes.
This episode was centered around Kieran’s birthday, and how he really just wanted to spend it hanging out with Emma and not doing anything special. So that meant that his creepy cousin Eli immediately set about trying to throw him a surprise party, which, as we all know, surprise parties are a great idea when you live in a town plagued by serial killers.
Speaking of creepy: Audrey caught Stavo leering at her during study hall, so she did what any rational high school girl would do: She pulled the fire alarm so she could go through his sh*t. His tablet contained tons of drawings he’d done of the Lakewood 6, and for the most part they were flattering portraits! Except for the Emma one, which for some reason involved a knife through the head, like one of those novelty accessories you can buy at the Halloween superstore. This definitely made Stavo seem like a creep, but probably just in a horror fan kind of way. Stay tuned!
NEXT: Surprise, you’re high!