'Secret Diary of a Call Girl' recap: Her fantasy | EW.com

TV Recaps | Secret Diary of a Call Girl

'Secret Diary of a Call Girl' recap: Her fantasy

At an ''adult party,'' Hannah ditches a possessive client in favor of a threesome with her favorite writer but then has to go meet her newborn nephew

Billie Piper, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, ...

‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl’ recap: Her fantasy

Let’s talk about sex, baby. The sex Hannah didn’t have with last night’s john, Aleksandar (totally breaking her ”work out what the client wants as fast as you can, and give it to him” rule). Or the sex she nearly had with her favorite novelist and his wife instead of visiting her newborn nephew in the hospital. (I found it alarming that she even hesitated before bolting from the cab.) The sex that goes on at ultra-exclusive, high-class adult parties that no one I know is invited to. And the sex Hannah should start having again with Ben — because he’s cute, emotionally healthy, and, I think, still into her. Screw his elusive tofu-loving girlfriend, Vanessa, and her drawerful of greeting cards. She can’t be as good as our Hannah, can she? Wink…wink…nudge…nudge.

I say ”our Hannah” in the British way, implying that she’s part of the family — we’ve seen her drop a deuce, for Pete’s sake — and allowing us to love her/hate her like the selfish, spoiled younger sibling I imagine she might be. Sure, her sister is unnecessarily cruel, snapping at Hannah for missing her son’s birth because of a ”work do” and not trusting her to hold the baby while standing up. (BTW, the sucking sounds the kid made here were both odd and disturbing.) Yet there was something in Sis’ anger that made me believe it could be warranted — and I’m positive it’s one of the reasons Hannah seeks approval from anonymous men and doesn’t have any female friends. Hannah is also clearly Daddy’s little girl: They joke together, she rolls his cigarettes, and he totally knows she’s a hooker. He seems like a pretty cool guy: What other kind of fiftysomething would wear a half-buttoned purple blouse, black jeans, and dress shoes? But there’s obviously some animosity between Mum and Pop, which makes me think Hannah’s childhood wasn’t as hunky-dory as she claims. What I’m seeing in her family life is the beginning of a psychologist’s wet dream. Then again, who wouldn’t be crazy if her mother was played by ’80s pop tart Toyah?

I had no idea Toyah Willcox was in the cast. Seeing her nearly made me gasp, because when I first glimpsed Hannah’s party outfit (Louise Brooks wig, black satin dress, neck and wrist feathers), I thought to myself (no lie), ”What is Billie Piper doing channeling Toyah?” (For those of you who posted that you watch Shameless, this is who Frank is referring to in the opening credits when he says they don’t let Carl’s hair grow out because it ”stands on end and makes him look like Toyah.” Yeah, it took me months to figure that out.)

Anyway, back to the fete. Apparently Hannah had been dying to get invited to this orgy for a while, and now she had a punter paying her to go (”I love it when my personal desires are the same as my professional duties”). Honestly, and I don’t like to think of myself as a prude, but there was something about the night that really freaked me out. I’m not talking about the lady with the painted gold nipples (awesome), the couples boinking in full view of the camera (bold), or the spoiled rich girl obsessed with An Inconvenient Truth (annoying). It was the burlesque artist (or stripper, if you’re nasty) Scarlette O'Harlette, whose gimmick is donning a dress made out of balloons and then bursting them until she has on nothing but a G-string. It’s got to be dangerous (and scary) to pop anything that close to your naked body, not to mention your face. But I digress.

So Hannah, already sans knickers, hoped to get right down to business in the party room, but Aleksandar opted to wait. His reason: He wanted to watch all the other men desire her and ”then maybe, later on, at home, when you are really desperate, then I will f— you.” Big mistake, Alex. Huge. And I was actually thinking you were pretty charming before you turned into a teasing, possessive creep. World-famous massages? Please. Then, again, you were paying her to be there with you, which means you were entitled to something, I guess. But I’m of the opinion that it is Hannah’s body, and if she offers you a refund, well, you can’t really complain.

NEXT: Writer block