Well, that was disappointing. I’m not talking about the fact that this latest episode of Survivor pump faked us into thinking we were finally going to get another water challenge only to learn that it was a challenge taking place over water, which is not the same thing as in it or under it. Nor am I talking about the fact that Ciera basically asked her mom to throw a challenge and allow herself to be voted out should they make it to the final six because she wasn’t good enough to beat her. Nor am I talking about the fact that Jeff Probst let Monica off the hook from making a potentially disastrous diplomatic decision. No, I’m not talking about any of that. (But I will discuss all of those points in much detail a little later on.) So what was so disappointing? That my episode 1 pick to win it all went down in flames. Again.
I felt sooooo good about my pick of Aras Baskauskas to win this thing. As stated many times before, my pre-game interview with him and brother Vytas was perhaps the most impressive one I’ve ever done. And damn if I hadn’t been on a pretty swell run of late. Granted, I haven’t been picking winners, but I had a three-season streak of selecting people (Chelsea, Skupin, Dawn) who made it all the way to the finals. Unfortunately, they combined for approximately negative 38 votes once they made it there. Still, that’s the best I’ve done since I actually had three straight winners (Yul, Earl, Todd) pegged from episode 1 in seaosn 13-15. So my recent hot streak combined with Aras’ impressive interviewing skills had me convinced I was on the right track this time out. But apparently, as Gervase might be wont to say…I LET THAT FOOL ME!
So damn you, Baskauskas! Damn you and your perfect posture. Damn you and your positive attitude as you watched your buff get burned to a crisp. Damn you and the salmon colored tank top and flip-flops you so effortlessly sported as the first jury member cold chillin’ at Tribal Council. Damn you to high hell! You may be fine with your exit and be able to put it all in perspective in the grand scheme of life and how to live it, but I, sir, cannot.
I can already hear Tyson’s voice in my head: “Should have picked me, bro. Should have picked me.” But, in my defense, how was I to know that Tyson would not vote himself out of the game like last time? (And make no mistake, there are still opportunities for that to happen, although I have to believe all the preview clips for next week making it seem like Tyson is a goner are merely a big misdirection.) And I can hear the voice of Brad — excuse me, Culpepper — going off as well: “Should have picked Monica. I was her shield, after all. Judge how I did by how she does. You should have picked her. And why do you have such a crush on John Cody? I bet you were jealous when I kissed him goodbye. You know you were. Just admit it. Oh, and…SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!” I can also hear Ciera’s voice telling me “Good thing you didn’t pick my mother, because I just voted her ass out!”
So there are a lot of voices in my head. Always have been. And many of them are now screaming in unison: “Get to the recap already!” Good idea. Let’s do that and take it from the very top.
NEXT: Someone shows mercy on the clue and does not burn it