Dalton: Okay, welcome to Survivor Couples Counseling. I’d like to thank you both for coming here today.
Kat: No, thank you. We saw all the great work you did with Parvati and Russell and hoped maybe you could help us as well.
Dalton: You’re absolutely right, Kat: That was great work. Some of my best work, in fact. Lives were changed in that one single therapy session, and I’m proud to say I was a part of it. In fact, what I remember most about that fateful day was when…
Kat: I’m sorry, can we get back to talking about us now?
Dalton: Right! Of course. Apologies. So what seems to be the issue?
Kat: Well, it’s a bit embarrassing. I don’t really know how to say it.
Dalton: Let me assure you, Kat, this is a safe place. There are no judgments here. [begins to sip water]
Kat: Okay…well, I…um, was voted out before the merge and…
Dalton: [stifling chuckle and choking on water] I’m sorry. That just went down the wrong pipe there. By all means, continue.
Kat: As I was saying, I…uh, didn’t make it to merge…
Dalton: [once again stifling chuckle and choking on water] I am so sorry. That was inexcusable. Wrong pipe again. Please…
Kat: Yeah, so I…well, you know. And now [sniff, sniff] my shmoopy is not going to want to date me anymore!!!! [bursts into tears]
Dalton: Annnnnnd by shmoopy, do you mean this guy sitting next to you?
Hayden; Yep. I’m shmoopy.
Dalton: Very well. Hayden, Kat evidently feels that you, a reality TV champion in your own right from your time on Big Brother, are now so ashamed of her embarrassing pre-merge performance on Survivor: Blood vs. Water that you would actually break up with her. What do you say to that?
Hayden: Well…um…I would just like to assure her that…SHE’S RIGHT! It’s a f—ing dogs— performance! You think I want to be associated with that?!? The freakin’ Zingbot could have done better than her! I would have rather come and played with Otev than her sorry ass. Pathetic!
[Kat bursts into more sobbing]
Dalton; Whoa! Whoa! Take it down a notch, sir. Let’s all just calm down here for a second, okay? Now Hayden, granted, being voted out before the merge does pretty much guarantee you will be branded a loser for the rest of your days. I see that. I get it. But this is your girlfriend we’re talking about! Sure, she was humiliated on national television. But you can’t abandon her in her time of need.
Hayden: Sure I can! You see the way I left her hanging out there at Redemption Arena? Made it kind of look like it was her choice to not switch out when it was totally mine? The way I kept saying things like “But what do you think is best for us long term” like a freakin’ Jedi mind trick to turn her all around even after she had already said she wanted me to take her place? That’s some post-merge gameplay there, son! I don’t hang with no pre-mergies!
Dalton; Look, I hear ya, man. And if I may offer a professional opinion here for a second, allow me to say…I can’t blame you. Kat, I’m sorry: There’s nothing I can do here. My hands are tied. After all, you were voted out pre-merge. I mean, would you date yourself?
Kat: [still sobbing] No… [sniff, sniff] I guess not. I suppose I’ll go find someone more on my level, like Ibrehem from Palau. Or maybe Ace from Gabon. WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!
And off she went, looking for a mate more compatible with her standing when it comes to how quickly you were voted off a nationally televised reality competition program. Will Kat ever find true love? Only if she sticks to her own kind, it seems. And with that let’s take it from the top and recap the latest edition of Survivor: Blood vs. Water!
NEXT: It’s not cheating if it’s not against the rules