Dalton Ross
February 27, 2015 AT 10:26 PM EST

Wow. Another Survivor finale. Which means another Survivor finale recap. This is my time. It’s my moment. I’m gonna own it. All the cards are in my hand. It’s my call!!! In fact, the last few Survivor recaps I’ve been in the pole position. Me! You know, all my life in our house it’s been about Brad, Brad, Brad. But now I’m the one who feels like a first round draft pick. And yet all everyone wants to do is be mean to me. In the message boards. On Twitter. On Facebook. AND I’M NOT EVEN ON FACEBOOK! What is wrong with you people? Have you all ever met a nice person? Have you all never met somebody that isn’t selfish? I passed the test! I’ve opened up and it’s just, like, let’s keep punching him. What is your goal?!? IT’S MY TIME, DAMMIT!!!!!

Wow. Not sure what happened there. It’s like I became possessed by the soul of Monica Culpepper. It was a challenge-dominating, Kleenex-absorbing, heavily botoxed soul that keeps tantalizing you with talk of doing something bold and crazy without doing anything at all. But I’m better now. And it could have been worse. I could have been possessed by the soul of Kat Edorsson and gone and gotten myself a boob job that I could not stop bragging about. In any event, I’m ready to break down this Survivor: Blood vs. Water finale like a freakin’ recapping ninja. And this ninja must begin by giving respect where respect is due.

Tyson, I’m talking directly to you now. Don’t worry, nobody else is listening. Just you and me, bro. We met you on Tocantins, when you became part of the J.T. Thomas Infatuation Brigade. You were funny. Your game play was also kind of terrible. Then you came back for Heroes vs. Villains. I’m not sure why since judging by your actions one would have to assume that you didn’t really want to be there seeing as how you essentially voted yourself out of the game. That was embarrassing. Like super embarrassing. Like people arguing about whether it was the worst move in the history of Survivor embarrassing. (P.S. It wasn’t. But it was close.)

Why should it have been any different this time? Clearly other players I spoke with were biased against you before the game even began. And many of them pegged your girlfriend as the weakest of all the new loved ones joining you for this adventure. She seemed annoyed by bugs. That was a bad sign.

Another typical Tyson performance appeared to be in the works — crack a few jokes, help your tribe win a few challenges, and then get blindsided for the third time in three seasons. But that didn’t happen. Instead, you made the biggest, most impactful move of the season — flipping the script and getting rid of Aras. You found the only two hidden immunity idols that were found all game. You won the last two — and two most important — individual immunity challenges. You kept enough of your weak links in line (losing Ciera, but keeping Monica). You overcame an injury. You had a flawless final Tribal Council performance. You, sir, killed it. Absolutely killed it. And now you are a Survivor champion, joining such revered names as Natalie White, Amber Brkich, and some dude named Fabio. Ah, just messin’ with you, my man. How about this? Richard Hatch. Parvati Shallow. Tom Westman. Kim Spradlin. Tyson Apostol. It feels good, doesn’t it? It should. You earned it.

And it feels good for us as well. Once again, we have a worthy Survivor winner. And there are few things better than a great winner on a great season. Milwaukee’s Best, of course. Three Musketeers candy bars I guess are better. And the orgasmic, open-mouthed facial expressions Angus Young makes when he rocks the guitar in his little schoolboy outfit are hard to top. But that’s pretty much it. So once again Survivor wraps up strong. But wait! It can’t truly wrap up until we recap this three-hour extravaganza from top to bottom. So enough of this tomfoolery and let’s get to it.

NEXT: The final truel is a doozy

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