“I am not on your team. I will never be on your team. I think that you’re annoying. I think you’re terrible. I think you might be the most horrific person I’ve ever met in my entire life.”
Okay, but enough about what my wife told me as I commandeered the television set to enjoy yet another episode of Survivor. Back off, babe! I need to go watch Jeff Probst feel himself up at a reward challenge! My wife should have learned long ago that eternal love takes a back seat any day of the week (but particularly Wednesdays, Thursday, and Sundays) to yahoos misspelling each other’s names while writing messages in the sand. I have blown off anniversaries, Mothers Day, you name it — all in the name of supporting the tribe. In fact, the only episode I missed was back in season 1 for the birth of my son…timing that still irks me to this very day.
Of course, the best part of watching reality television for a living is I have a full-proof excuse any time my better half — and trust me, she is my better half — complains: “Sorry, honey but…IT’S MY JOB!” I can’t tell you how often this works, even when I use it for shows that I totally do not need to watch at all and in fact my work would probably prefer that I didn’t watch. I’m talking Paradise Hotel. I’m talking Temptation Island (1, 2, and 3). I’m talking The Littlest Groom. You get the picture.
The point is, I’ll never quit. I won’t quit. Because my name is not Lindsey. (Or, Lindsie, depending on who is taking stick to sand that particular day.) Lindsey takes home this year’s honorary Osten Taylor Award as Survivor: Cagayan’s first — and, hopefully, last — quitter. She said she wanted to quit because she was worried that she was going to flip out on Trish and that she would rather quit that have her daughter see her like that. (Apparently Lindsey has no problem with her daughter seeing her make fun of Trish’s face like a mean schoolyard bully just a few days into the game, but this crossed some sort of imaginary arbitrary line.)
I don’t buy it. Lindsey was already spewing quitter speak back on day 7 when she couldn’t take the storm: “This is the most ridiculous situation I’ve ever put myself in,” she said then. “And I just wish I hadn’t.” As soon as she said that, I knew that if the going got rough, Lindsey would get going. You could just tell. So once her BFF Cliff got voted out, she checked out. Either way you slice it, the woman just couldn’t cut it. And she admitted as much that it was the conditions that got to her: “I’m cold, and I’m wet, and I’m hungry, and I know that,” she told Probst. “And I’m tired. I get all those things. And I know I’m going to regret it.” You betcha. Just ask Osten Taylor. (Side note: Jeff Probst gives all the scoop on exactly how this went down, when he got the call, and his take on the situation in this week’s Q&A.)
Okay let’s recap this bad boy from the very top. The Solana tribe returns from Tribal Council after the Cliff blindside and Lindsey would like to weigh in on the move. “You guys just screwed up royally,” she informs them, because it is clearly always better to stay on the bottom of an alliance filled with people that do not want you. Clearly. “I will respect you because this is a team going forward,” responds Trish. “But I don’t like you.” This is a blatant lie. Trish does not respect Lindsey at all. What exactly do you respect about her, Trish? I mean, she’s not even from Massachusetts, so…
NEXT: A nighttime visit from Jeffrey Probst