Those of you who go back with me a few years — well, more than a few at this point — know that I may have commented once or twice about a certain someone from the Survivor universe. She had a passion for knee socks and her name was Sally. Survivor Sally, her friends called her, and oh, how I desperately wanted to be her friend. She may have lost on Survivor: Panama — Exile Island, but she won something else: my heart. Yes, perhaps my interest in fair Sally bordered on “obsession.” Sure, some might have considered my behavior “concerning.” And okay, there may have been “restraining orders” involved.
But I’m here to tell each and every one of you I have moved on. Because there is someone new in my life. Someone else ready to give mind, body, and soul to the Survivor experience. Someone so irresistible as to inspire a simultaneous orgy of lips all over the face. And someone who will clean up around the home and be sure to have a hot, delicious meal ready at suppertime each and every night. I’m referring, of course, to my main man Tata. STEP OFF, YOU CREEPY PREDATOR, COCHRAN! NO ONE HAS DANCE MOVES LIKE TATA! That’s right, you think Tata would sit out a reward challenge? Or get sunburned…on his feet? Or have decent dental care? THINK AGAIN! YOU’RE IN TATA’S HOUSE* NOW! (*Footnote: You may not actually be physically able to fit into Tata’s house due to the three foot high ceilings.)
Tata is full-on Filipino pimp! You see him macking on four different women — at once?!? That’s Tata style, baby. And you know why he’s called Tata? Because that’s what he says to island beyotches after he’s done with them. Oh, Tata, you can stuff rice in my bamboo anytime. But first I have to get through this here Survivor recap. Then you can try on these knee socks* I bought you. (*Footnote: Due to size discrepancy, knee socks may extend all the way over head.)
The episode begins with me failing my Survivor math exam. Because it is right after the third person has gotten voted out, but it’s only day 7 instead of day 9. (Another byproduct of having 20 people.) Eddie can’t believe what just happened. “It’s mindboggling to me we got rid Hope tonight,” he says. “Because she’s the prettiest one here.” Like, I know, right?!? How dare they vote out someone for being pretty? Mindboggling! My mind is totally boggled right now! Reynold is equally upset: “I don’t want to be associated with you guys. I have absolutely no respect for any of you.” Of course he doesn’t. Because why would you respect people for playing the game they signed up to play? That would be absurd!
But why do the Fans keep losing? Is it lack of strength? Lack of experience? Lack of tribe chemistry? Nope. I think it all boils down to something else: lack of nicknames. Look at the Favorites. Phillip is on a nicknaming spree! He’s even naming people outside of his alliance: Brandon is now The Conqueror, Erik is The Silent One (which at least explains his complete lack of airtime), and Brenda is Serenity, thereby inspiring scores of geeks to immediately take to Twitter demanding the immediate uncancellation of Firefly.
NEXT: A rewarding reward challenge