Okay, everyone. Episode 4 of Survivor: Nicaragua. We’ve got a lot to get through, so let’s get started with the one question on everyone’s mind — what the hell is going on with Marty’s hair?!? Is there an electrical socket hidden somewhere that he’s been sticking his finger into? A bold look, my man. Bold, indeed. But we’re not here to discuss Hairstyles of the Wannabe Rich & Famous. It’s all about the strategy, and the challenges, and the…
… Hey! Put me in! Put me in, dammit!
Jimmy T, what are you doing here?
Well, look. It goes like this. I know you’re the official Survivor recapper and all, and from what I understand, you may have watched a few episodes.
Over 250, actually.
2? 250? Numbers aren’t important here, okay? What IS important is that you’re not giving me a shot.
I’m sorry, Jimmy T. I don’t follow. Maybe it’s because I’m having trouble looking at your shirtless torso. Could you please put some clothes on? Also, what the heck are you talking about?
The recap! I’m talking about the recap! Everybody here knows I’m a natural born leader and a natural born recapper and I think it’s time you showed me the respect I deserve and let me take over your recap for a week.
Oh, geez. Jimmy T, I don’t know about that. I mean, I tried that once with John from Survivor: Samoa and he didn’t really deliver the goods.
Do I look like a deliveryman to you? No? Well let me tell you something: If I were a deliveryman, I would be the best damn delivery man this side of Deliverance, okay?
Jimmy T, I don’t even know what that means…
…It means you’re obviously not a Jimmy T fan! That’s what I say about anyone who can’t handle my awesomeness. The world is separated into two groups of people: Jimmy T and non-Jimmy T fans. I know this may be seen as somewhat out of line, and I realize that I am contractually bound to CBS to not be writing about the show … BUT I DON’T CARE! I’M JIMMY T! PUT ME IN!
Jimmy, I’m going to have to politely decline your kind and generous offer.
Oh, for crying out loud, give him a chance! Can’t you see that all the man wants in life is a chance! Just a simple chance!!!
Holly, what are you doing here?
Raiding your closet and filling your shoes up with sand.
Okay, enough. Fine. Jimmy T — it’s all yours for the week. Have at it.
About time! Does that mean I can stop talking in italics?
Yes, go ahead. BUT AT LEAST PUT ON A DAMN SHIRT!
NEXT: What you’ve all been clamoring for…the episode through the eyes of Jimmy T!