Judge: Order! Order! The court will now hear the case of THE CONTESTANTS OF SURVIVOR: NICARAGUA VS. JUDSON “FABIO” BIRZA. What is the nature of the complaint?
Chase: Well, sir, gee shucks, it’s a delicate matter. You see it…um…well, the thing is…
Judge: Spit it out, son.
Chase: You see, Fabio was…er…
NaOnka: Oh, clam it, pretty boy. The fool pissed in the pool.
Fabio: Whoa, that totally rhymes. Awesome!
NaOnka: Shut up, stupid.
Fabio: Hey, that’s not nice. You’re a big meanie. I like ice cream.
NaOnka: Oh, I’ll make you scream!
Judge: Order! Order! Is this true? Did you, in fact, urinate in the pool of water constructed for the reward challenge?
Fabio: Whatever, man. When you got to go, you got to go. Like, I could totally see you peeing under that big robe right now, dude! No shirt, no shoes, noooooo dice.
Judge: That is an outrageous statement. And why are you quoting Jeff Spicoli dialogue from Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
Marty: Your honor, I would just like to point out that my uncle, Guillermo Vilas, was also a judge. Great man. And a hell of a chess player. Although he went mad from people constantly confusing him with Vitas Gerulaitis. Your honor, I would also like it entered into the record how insane my hair is looking right now.
Judge: Duly noted.
Sash: Your honor, I would like it entered into the record that Marty has agreed to hand over to me all of his hair as well as both his uncle, Guillermo Vilas, and Vitas Gerulaitis.
Judge: Vitas Gerulaitis has been dead for 16 years.
Sash: And I, as a man of my word, have shaken Marty’s hand and promised to return Vitas Gerulaitis to his grave should we lose the next immunity challenge.
Judge: What does any of this have to do with Fabio peeing in the water?
NaOnka: Exactly! And what does it have to do with Kelly B’s fake leg? I hate that damn leg! I’d pee on that leg if I could.
You know what, folks? We don’t need a judge and/or jury to pass judgment on Fabio in this matter. I can give you my verdict right here and right now. GUILTY! Peeing in a massive body of water such as the ocean is one thing, but in a small, enclosed pool — that is a definite no-no. Was Fabio marking his territory? Was he hoping his urine would disgust the Espada members to such a degree that they would simply refuse to jump in while attempting to score goals for their team. Not likely. I mean, it was gross, but not that gross. The most confusing thing about this entire incident is that he could have just gone to the bathroom anywhere! Anywhere but the water. Dude, find a bush! I’ve been to a few maroonings where the contestants all take a break and run off in separate directions to pee in the bushes. I even watched Survivor‘s master eye-popper, Eliza Orlins, squat and relive herself just a few feet in front of me. No big deal. But Fabio wasn’t the only person guilty of something this episode. Also receiving verdicts…
NEXT: Guilty verdicts for folks whose names rhyme with “Pan,” “Pain,” “Palina,” and “Polly.”