“I want her to know I have her back. Even though I kind of don’t. But I kind of do at the same time. It’s like a toss up.” —NaOnka
That quote tells you absolutely everything you need to know about NaOnka: She’s a woman completely allergic to logic. Much in the same way she is allergic to kindness, modesty, and if you were to judge by her irrational hatred of Kelly B., prosthetic limbs. We haven’t been able to understand a single thing about the woman all season, and now it appears she even confuses herself. I’ve wondered for the past few months whether NaOnka might have a split personality. (In our interview before the game, she was downright giddy, a far cry from the surly spectacle we’ve been treated to on the show.) But now I fear she must suffer from multiple personality disorder. Hell, the woman even thought she was Russell Hantz for a few minutes there — burying pans and bowls and food as well. And amazingly, she stays in the game just to torment both her tribemates and us viewers a little bit longer.
Okay, let’s take it from the top. It’s day 19 and Marty’s telling us how the vultures are circling. “Finally, we can use that footage of vultures devouring a carcass we’ve been sitting on for two months!” yells an excited producer. High-fives abound in the editing bay, and they move on to their next task: finding a way to work in 17 more snake shots per episode. Snakes seem to have replaced spiders devouring their webbed pray as the go-to nature shot of the season.
But hold the phone, because “Uncle Fabio” — who really needs to stop calling himself Uncle Fabio — has received some tree mail. Looks like it’s merge time! La Flor gets a key, while Espada gets a chest that needs the key to be opened. The Keymaster! The Gatekeeper! Hey, let’s track down Gozer and get this Ghostbusters party started! But before Sigourney Weaver and Rick Moranis can do the dirty deed and turn into dog statues, Alina has a plan to keep her tribe strong. She says they need to stay together! She says nobody can switch sides! She says the six Espada members can be the final six! Just one problem: No one gives a flying hoot what Alina says. Benry, who used to be aligned with her and Shannon, now apparently can’t stand her and is about 40 minutes away from comparing her to a dirt squirrel. And NaOnka says Alina is like G.I. Jane without an army, even though NaOnka is about 24 minutes away from not being able to decide whether she should enlist or not. Confusing bunch, this is.
Finally, the chest is opened and instead of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man popping out and terrorizing all of Nicaragua, it turns out there’s bread and buffs and booze, the last of which prompts Fabio to insist: “We have to drink all of this TODAY!” Marty then christens the new tribe Libertad, which means liberty. It should be noted that it also could be rearranged to spell “liter bad” which I personally think is a more ecologically friendly (if less catchy) moniker.
NEXT: NaOnka makes the classiest move in Survivor history.