Monty Brinton/CBS
February 28, 2015 at 01:16 AM EST


TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Jeff Probst
Current Status
In Season

Before we get to last night’s episode of Survivor, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I have never — NEVER! — gone three days without showering or brushing my teeth. Just putting that out there. I don’t want you ladies thinking that just because Fabio has questionable hygiene practices that all men are negligent when it comes to soap and toothpaste. Although there was the one time where I…

…We interrupt your regularly scheduled Survivor column with some breaking news first reported by our on-the-scene correspondent and tolerance expert Shannon Elkins. This just in: New York has been infiltrated and overrun by an army of gay people. The news of the invasion has been confirmed by the mayor, currently protected by armed guards at City Hall. “It’s true,” the mayor announced in a statement emailed to the press. “The gays are everywhere.  I don’t know where they came from or what their demands are. They just showed up out of nowhere, like zombies or something. GAY ZOMBIES!” The mayor went on to acknowledge that perhaps his administration had ignored the obvious clues leading up to the gay uprising: a 4000% increase in ratings for all Bravo programming in the city, the erection (no pun intended) of a Rip Taylor memorial statue in Central Park, Liza Minnelli selling out a month’s worth of concerts at Madison Square Garden, and a general uptick in “fabulousness” in all five boroughs. “Unfortunately, due to budget cuts, we were unable to repair our Gaydar4000, which would have picked up on these abnormalities. Instead we had to give that money to some damn schools or something. And look where that got us!” Repeating our breaking news, first reported by correspondent Shannon Elkins: New York is now completely filled with gay people. We’ll continue to follow this developing story, and perhaps take time out for a screening of To Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar. In the meantime, back to your regularly scheduled Survivor column, already in progress…

…and that’s when I discovered that brushing your teeth with Tabasco sauce probably wasn’t the smartest idea, no matter how many times you are “triple dared.”

Hey, you know what else isn’t smart? Shouting crazy homophobic comments at Tribal Council! And not just homophobic comments, mind you, but homophobic comments that make no sense. For Shannon to  say (out of nowhere) to Sash—”Hey, I’m gonna get this out of the way right now. Are you gay?”— well, that makes him a jerk and a bigot. (He also used a gay slur in an interview with a reporter before the game, so this was by no means an isolated incident.) For him to then follow that up with, “New York is filled with a bunch of gay people”? Say what?!? Sounds like the dude is preaching from the gospel of John Rocker, that enlightened relief pitcher who once described New York as “You’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids.” I would say these two should go live happily ever after together, but maybe that would be too, you know, gay.

NEXT: A crime against alligator shoes!

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