Robert Voets/CBS
February 27, 2015 at 11:52 PM EST


TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Jeff Probst
Current Status
In Season

Those who complain about my recaps being long-winded, rambling, and whatever other derogatory term you want to use to describe a writer that has a difficult time getting to the point will be happy to know that I am going to attempt to keep this week’s Survivor recap on the more manageable side. No five page opuses on infuriatingly spineless Jonas. No crazy tangents about the African-American woman who is paid by Mr. and Mrs. Cumbie to be Colton’s only black friend. No meteorology forecasts on how Kat’s gas passing has impacted the Samoan air quality index. Nope, not this time. Why? Allow me to “explinate.” See, after being so impressed by Tarzan’s incredible vocabulary, I’ve decided to pull a Walt Clyde Frazier and begin studying the dictionary from cover to cover to come up with nifty new words like…um…let’s see here…inaniloquent! That’s a good one. Oh, and…paludicolous. Fancy!

So obviously that will cut into my Survivor recapping time. Plus, I’m traveling. And you know what that means. That’s right: no Milwaukee’s Best! You seriously can’t expect me to continue on without my trusty Beast, can you? And yet here I am. And here you are. So let’s get to it.

The episode begins with the women doing the exact same thing we’ve all been doing for the past week — mercilessly mocking the men. “The guys are much more of a mess than we thought,” says Sabrina. “They are so dumb. They handed us a million dollars,” laughs Alicia. The ladies talk about how unbeatable they will be as long as all seven of them stick together like Phillip Sheppard’s crispy rice. And what could possibly thwart that plan?  How about a tribe shake-up?

The teams arrive at the reward challenge and are told to drop their buffs. This is always Christmas for Survivor cameramen as they inevitably get to zoom in for lots of sexy close-ups of women unbuttoning their pants and slinking out of their tribe colors. Of course, the other side effect of the pre-merge tribe shake up is that I’ll finally be forced to learn the actual tribe names, which to this point I was convinced were Salami and Mahna Mahna.

After the contestants crack eggs filled with paint all over themselves (kinky!), we end up with Mike, Jay, Troyzan, Sabrina, The Farting Bandit, Chelsea, and Kim on the new Salani, while Tarzan, Jonas, Colton, Leif, Alicia, Christina, and Monica make up the new Manono. Colton is worried about Salani having all the muscle. Meanwhile, Leif is worried about how to get his dumb hat on over his buff without blinding himself in the process.

The challenge itself involves running a bucket over to a water tower, filling the bucket, and then trying to keep as much of the water in the hole-filled bucket as possible while then carrying it back and filling a container. Even though it gives me painful flashbacks of running buckets of water out of my flooded New Jersey basement, it’s a pretty cool challenge, especially when Monica wipes out — twice. (Sorry, Monica, I’m just kind of evil that way. That’s what being weaned on a steady diet of America’s Funniest Home Videos will do to someone. Blame Bob Saget! In fact, Blame Bob Saget for everything as far as I’m concerned.)

NEXT: Is that a hidden immunity idol in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

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