“Alicia, there’s no girl power going on right now. No young women at home going ‘Oh, go women’s tribe!’” — Jeff Probst
Now, see, that’s simply not fair. I think there are plenty of people at home — young women and men alike — rooting for the women’s tribe on this season of Survivor. Jeff Probst is clearly out of touch with the viewing public. In fact, I have pinpointed a few different groups that I believe all parties can agree are at this juncture firmly in the corner of the women’s team. Such as…
1. People Who Don’t Follow Directions And Thereby Sabotage Their Own Team In Competitions
I guess jumping into the water twice unnecessarily is a good strategy…if your strategy is to piss everyone off. For viewers who likewise enjoy not listening to directions and, as a result, enraging their teammates, it’s hard not to fall in love with Kat and the women’s tribe. In fact, I dare say they are smitten.
2. People Who Only Do Things In Which Success is Guaranteed
Why challenge yourself or attempt to better yourself in any way when you can simply coast at absurdly easy tasks for the rest of your life? Some may say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but what if it does kill you? Or even worse, what if you, like, break a nail or something? Kat’s theory of avoiding anything in life in which she might be remotely challenged makes her a goddess to those who embrace the path of least resistance.
3. People That Have Boob Jobs or Enjoy Trying to Squeeze By People With Boob Jobs in a Tight Space
This one’s self explanatory, really.
4. People Who Walk Up To Other People And Fart on Them
I’m not exactly sure how big a movement there is of people who enjoy walking up to and then farting on other people. I mean, personally, it’s never happened to me, and I hang out with some pretty unsavory characters. But if Kat is going to walk up to someone she has only known for five days and gleefully blast her stank right on her — with a camera crew standing there, no less! — it stands to reason that there may be others out there that would likewise exhibit and appreciate such supremely sexy behavior. Maybe they are even mobilized and have a catchy name like Fart Alliance or Gas Passers United. Perhaps they are trying to make Person-on-Person Emissions the new idiotic sensation to sweep the nation a la Icing or Planking. I have no idea! But we now know which team they are tooting…I mean, rooting for.
5. People Who Publicly Commend Themselves For Not Calling Someone Out (Thereby Blatantly Calling The Person Out)
“I’m not calling Christina out,” said Kat at Tribal Council. Ha! Just did! Brilliant! Kat may not have a lot of “life experience” but she seemingly has plenty of experience in oh-so-subtle passive-aggressive bitchiness. For viewers who love the blame game and can’t get enough of watching someone pretending to be nice while in actuality being far from it, Team Salani is the only way to go.
So there you have it! Clearly the ladies have made millions…okay, dozens of fans from these very specific special interest groups. Otherwise? Not so much. And while I almost made like Kat and decided just to bag writing this week’s recap because it seemed so gosh darn difficult, I suppose at this point we may as well just take it from the top.
NEXT: Has anyone seen Jeff Probst?