I always feel sorry for the person who gets booted in the penultimate Survivor episode of the season. I remember all the crazy hoopla surrounding the final four — Richard, Kelly, Sue, and Rudy — from the original season and everyone wondering before the finale which person would win. They were on magazine covers, and we here at EW even came up with solo winner covers for each so we were ready to go to the printers seconds after the finale ended. (I still have the Kelly, Sue and Rudy winning covers in a drawer. Collectors items!) But nobody remembers who came in fifth place, just missing the finale. (In case you’re curious, it was Dr. Sean Kenniff, the guy with the goofy alphabetical voting strategy.)
So I usually feel bad for the person who gets the boot right before the big finale blow-out extravaganza. Usually. This would not be one of those times. It seems the rest of the tribe finally realized that how you solve a problem like Abi-Mara is to vote her ass out. It took a little while longer than we anticipated, but… Uh, oh. Oh crap, here comes my houseguest again. Give me just a minute.
“Hey man are you done yet because I ate all those chips you put out and they were really good but they were also really salty and salty things make you thirsty so I could use something else to drink and I was thinking that having a beverage would probably hit the spot and gee I was wondering if you have a rope because I sure would like to jump rope for a half hour or so if you do but if you don’t that is totally fine as well and I can just run in place for a while which is almost as good as jumping rope even though you don’t go quite as high in the air but you do get a good workout so I could do that and be totally fine after I drink another beverage of course because those chips were just so salty.”
Skupin, did you break into the soda cabinet again? And why are you wearing a lampshade on your head?
“Oh is that a lampshade I thought it was one of those Chinese bamboo hats that protect your skin from the sun and make you look wise at the same time but I did not realize it was a lampshade and of course I did not break into your pop cabinet and what would make you say such a preposterous thing because that is totally preposterous?”
Well, you’re talking a little fast and not really breathing in between words, there’s that fresh soda stain on your “Jolt Cola 4-Eva!” t-shirt, and you keep dancing around my house with a big torch. Plus, and I didn’t want to get into this, but I also noticed you direct messaging Mountain Dew on Twitter and that’s just kinda creepy.
“I’m sorry I just decided to celebrate a little because I get really excited when the next to last episode comes because I know that is when you present your updated Survivor season rankings and I can’t wait to find out where you will put Survivor: Philippines so I may have had just a few pops to mark the occasion and when I say a few I actually mean 8.”
Okay, I hear ya. But before I can get to the updated rankings, we have to jam through the episode recap — then I will reveal where this season ranks. So go detox while we take it from the top. Now, back to our regularly scheduled column.
It’s night 33 and the Dangrayne tribe has just returned from Tribal Council where they voted off Carter instead of Abi. “I don’t even know how to thank you guys,” says Abi. It should be pointed out that she is not saying this as a figure of speech but rather a literal acknowledgment that she has never thanked anyone in her life before so has no idea how to do it. It’s kind of like the Fonz trying to say “sorry.” It may not be physically possible, people.
NEXT: Should Skupin have thrown the Reward Challenge?