Oh, you’ve done it this time, Probst. Sitting there all cool, in your jungle-casual gear. Putting contestants on notice with your “thoughts” and “opinions.” WELL, I’M PUTTING YOU ON NOTICE, PROBST! Because nobody — nobody — openly mocks the power of cookies. You thought you were being so clever at Tribal Council by asking poor Angie what she would change about her tribe, and then had the absolute audacity to belittle her response of “that we could have cookies.”
Did you even bother doing any follow-up questions to ascertain what kind of cookies she was talking about? Chocolate chip? Ginger? Macadamia nut? How can you even judge her response until you know what type of cookies her tribe would get? In doing so, you demean not only Angie, but two other people I’d like to introduce you to: my good pals Famous Amos and Mrs. Fields. Oh, and I know another little organization that might not be too pleased with your very public anti-cookie stance — THE GIRL SCOUTS OF AMERICA, JEFF! Ever heard of them? Well, my daughter is a member, and fat chance we send you an order form this year! (No Thin Mints or Tagalongs for you!)
What gives, Probst? Have you never experienced the camaraderie shared by a group (or tribe?) of individuals after devouring a dozen gooey baked morsels of heaven? Never bore witness to feats of athletic prowess thanks to the immediate sugar rush after ingesting 510 grams of the sweet stuff just before a big game (or challenge?)? You shortchange cookies, you shortchange yourself. In fact, cookies are so delicious they even based an entire cereal around them. That’s right, Jeff — Cookie Crisp. It started with a wizard mascot, then switched to a burglar, then switched to a dog, then switched again to a wolf — confusing, I know, but that’s how good that damn cereal is. It’s had four mascots. Four! Don’t worry, Angie. I got your back on this one. (Actually, on second thought, can I get your front?)
Okay, let’s move on and take it from the top since I’m clearly feeling a bit…chippy. This latest episode of Survivor: Philippines begins with Russell talking about the Tribal Council his tribe just endured and telling everyone, “I thought I was going to pass out the whole time I was sitting up there.” What? Again? Jeez, when do you not pass out, Russell? You need a new go-to move, my man. Speaking of passing out, Angie is about to pass out…into Malcolm’s arms. The two are either dry humping or playing human twister under the shelter as they “try to get warm.” Oh, they’re warm all right. Malcolm worries he is getting “booty blinded,” but Roxy’s eyes are wide open to the dangers a couple pose: “One has got to go. Period.”
The next night, it’s the same story all over again, with the two doing their best hot pretzel impersonation. Roxy doesn’t like it and goes to see what Russell’s take on the situation is. Russell’s take is as follows: “It looks like she’s got some boob thing going on. They’re popping up all over the place.” Thanks, Russell! Next, Roxy goes to work on Denise. Little does she know Denise is already in an alliance with Malcolm. Of course, if Denise were crafty enough she would engineer Angie’s ouster so that Malcolm would become that much more dependent on her. That’s Survivor 101. But is Denise crafty enough? No. No, she is not.
Later, Roxy is driven to tears by the brutal non-stop rain the contestants have been forced to endure. “I’m not in my comfort zone at all,” she tells us, which is odd because Survivor is all about being in your comfort zone. Finally, however, the sun emerges and Roxy celebrates by speaking a language that is definitely not English but one which some smartypants on the message boards is sure to tell me I am an idiot for not recognizing.
NEXT: RC and Abi-Maria — what could possibly go wrong?