Monty Brinton
Dalton Ross
March 13, 2015 AT 02:12 PM EDT

You know those movies and Twilight Zone episodes where a character can’t locate his friend named, say, Sheldon. So he walks around everywhere in town looking for him, calling out ”Shelllllllllllldon! Shellllllllllldon! Where are you, man?” Only Sheldon is nowhere to be found. But then he finds Sheldon’s dad. Oh, the relief. Surely he’ll know where Sheldon is. ”Hey, Mr. Loftis. Thank God it’s you. I’ve been looking everywhere for Sheldon. Do you know where he is?” And then Mr. Loftis gives the guy a confused look and says, ”Sheldon? I don’t know any Sheldon.” And then the Sheldon-searcher drops to his knees, looks toward the heavens, and screams ”Noooooooooooooooooooo!” Because you see, not only does Sheldon no longer exist, but any memory of his existence has been wiped away. That’s kind of how I feel about the new Survivor credit sequence. Chicken? Gone! Ashley? Gone! That dude who thought he was Richard Hatch and kept getting naked? Gone! In fact, any trace of pre-merge players has been eliminated in the new sequence. It’s obviously not a big deal, but I liked the fact that early ousted contestants still scored their 1.3 seconds of airtime. I would look at them and remember all the stupid stuff they did that led to their exit: ”Ah, Sherea. Angry. Angry, young woman.”

Okay, I need someone to snap me out of this sudden credits obsession. ”Gooooooooooood morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrning!” Oh, James. Hi! I didn’t know you could sing. In fact, judging by your voice, you can’t. Oh, another thing about James: If I’m ever feeling down about myself, remind me not to come to him for emotional support, especially after seeing this little exchange with Peih-Gee:

Peih-Gee: ”I don’t even get along with anybody here.”

James: ”Yeah, you definitely on the outs.”

Nice! Way to let her down easy, man. And this was before his post-challenge smack-talk smackdown with Peih-Gee, which I honestly feel has to go down as one of the best back and forths in Survivor history. Let’s take it blow by blow. As a little background, this came after their team lost a reward challenge that involved bouncing a ball on a drum to someone else who would catch it and then begin bouncing it on his or her drum. It was like some Hacky Sack player’s favorite stoner flashback come to glorious life. James kept losing the ball. Then they decided to bounce it to Peih-Gee, who had a smaller drum and lost it a few times herself. Denise, who had a larger drum, stood around and watched. Anyway, they got back to camp and Peih-Gee kicked things off with this brilliant quote to the gravedigger:

”I can’t believe you ever accused me of giving up at challenges.”

Okay, let’s read that one again:

”I can’t believe you ever accused me of giving up at challenges.”

Now, keep in mind this is coming from the woman who all but admitted at tribal council to throwing an immunity challenge. In and of itself, that quote was spectacular. But there was more. So much more. James told her to ”go away,” Peih-Gee talked some more crap, and then James came back with this:

”You got some nerve. For a loser. Shut up. How dare you? That’s why y’all lose, you’re quick to blame.”

I love this. Let’s break it down. First off, he hits her with: ”You got some nerve.” Could’ve ended there. His point was made. But then he waits five full seconds and adds: ”For a loser.” Totally unnecessary, but he just decided to tack it on anyway. Fantastic. Then, while he’s still talking, he tells her to ”shut up.” He finishes by asking a question: ”How dare you?” Only he’s not finished, and even though he’s asked her a question, he decides that instead of waiting for her to answer it, he’ll just go on insulting her instead. She finally then tries to respond, but James keeps repeating the word ”blame” over and over like a broken-down robot with steam coming out of its ears.

While James and Peih-Gee were arguing brilliantly back at camp, Erik was on a cruise boat doing his best impression of Jim Breuer impersonating a goat. Seeing him do this around the ladies offered yet another possible explanation for his intact virginity. It also raised questions as to whether this native South Carolinian perhaps has spent a little too much time with the farm animals, if you know what I’m saying….You don’t, do you? Goats! I’m talking about him knowing goats way too well, for crying out loud! Oh, never mind, let’s move on.

There also seemed to be something of a showmance brewing between Frosti and Courtney. She kept kissing him and playing with his hair. He kept giving her massages. It was all mildly nauseating. Frosti talked about how cool he thought Courtney was, but remarked that ”she’s way out of my league,” which makes you wonder: What the hell kind of league is he playing in? Dude, you may be short and boring and have unfortunate facial hair, but at least you seem relatively sane. She’s out of your league, but down, not up.

Anyway, the reward winners finally got back to camp, which gave producers yet another chance to blur out Amanda’s ass. (Interesting point here: Last week it was the top of her booty that required blurring; this time it was the bottom of her…uh, bottom. I don’t know if gravity is playing tricks on us or what, but it certainly makes for a fun game of Find the Inappropriately Displayed Flesh.)

NEXT: Simon says

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