Monty Brinton
Dalton Ross
February 28, 2015 AT 03:58 AM EST


TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Jeff Probst
Current Status
In Season

No, see, I go kind of back and forth on how I feel about Probst sporting a baseball cap. On one hand it’s…excuse me for just a second. CHET! GET OUT OF THE WATER! GET OUT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Okay, sorry about that. Where was I? Right, the baseball cap. As I was saying, the baseball cap is notbad per se. It’s just that it comes off as a little too Americana, instead of all exotic and tropical, which is kind of how I like my Survivor to feel. On the other hand, it’s also not nearly as…wait. I’m sorry to do this. Just give me a minute here. CHET! YOU PAGEANT-COACHING BASTARD, WHAT DID I TELL YOU? GET YOUR PATHETIC SWIMMING ASS TO SHORE, PRONTO! PRONTO MEANS NOW! SO THAT’S WHAT I MEAN — NOW! DO IT, NOW! My sincerest apologies. So, the baseball cap. Not the best chapeau, but also not nearly as offensive as that unflattering Guatemala getup. I realize that makes me sound like a bit of a hypocrite because here I am saying that Probst needs to get more exotic with his headgear choices, yet when he does, I take him to town for it. Look, the fact of the matter is Probst is so good at what he does I have to find something to razz him about, and it’s just that…Sorry, I promise this is the last interruption. Just hold that thought for me….CHET! MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE FROM YELLING AT YOU SO MUCH! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? DO YOU WANT MY HEAD TO EXPLODE? BECAUSE IF IT EXPLODES, THEN I CAN’T COMPETE IN CHALLENGES, AND IF I CAN’T COMPETE IN CHALLENGES, THEN WE ARE GOING TO LOSE! PLUS, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED MY HEAD IS FREAKIN’ ENORMOUS! IF IT EXPLODES, YOU MAY GET BRAIN GOO ALL OVER YOU! GRANTED, SINCE YOU ARE STILL IN THE OCEAN REFUSING TO RUSH TO SHORE, I SUPPOSE YOU COULD JUST WASH IT OFF PRETTY EASILY, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT! THE POINT IS — GET YOUR ASS TO SHORE BEFORE I KILL YOU! Okay, deep breath. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath. Anyway, all I was going to suggest is that if Probst is going to wear a baseball cap, why not just go all the way and wear one of those classic early-’80s numbers with the wings on the side, but now I’ve lost all the momentum after channeling my inner Joel.

You can forgive me, though, right? Because, after all, there are few things more genius than watching tribe members lose it and start yelling at each other in the middle of a challenge. Maybe watching Tom Westman fall down drunk, Sundra and Becky trying to make fire at tribal council, or Rafe trying to climb a rope ladder, but that’s about it. Joel’s meltdown at Chet’s inability to swim down and retrieve a key was the boiling-over point for a tribe clearly divided by age. This episode things starting badly over at the Fans camp when they couldn’t figure out how to use the flint, neglecting to rub off the magnesium needed to make the sparks burst into flame. I would mock them incessantly for this, only I made the same mistake when I spent my little overnight getaway on Exile Island. (The only difference being I was told I wasnot getting flint so I did not bother preparing myself in advance on how to use it. Not that that’s much of an excuse considering that I’ve sat through close to 200 episodes of Survivor and should have been able to do it blindfolded with an arm tied behind my back. Which is why I’m not mocking incessantly, although you should feel free to mock both me and them should you feel so inclined.)

Then things just started getting downright bizarre. The old-fogy threesome of Kathy, Chet, and Tracy (basically, anyone over the age of 30 on this show is considered a fossil) decided that since they had no shelter, they would see about making some space under the cave. Except Jason was already doing exactly that and exclaimed, ”Well, this is my habitat tonight.” So much for respecting your elders. This caused Kathy to start shedding tears to the camera while saying, ”It’s just makes you relive things in your life, high school or whatever, when you didn’t fit in and you were kinda outcast.” Dammit! I thought we were done with the self-absorbed pity parties once we finally got rid of Denise, and now we have another sob story to endure? (Also, Kathy, hate to break it to you, but ”outcast” is kind of a dirty word in theSurvivor universe — at least to those people who watched the Pearl Islands season. You, being a ”fan,” should know that.) Eventually, the fogies went and built their own shelter, which the young, hot posse realized was 10 times better than anything they could construct, so they asked for help building one for themselves. Hence a second shelter for them. Wow, talk about a tribe divided — literally.

Over at the Favorites camp, however, it was all about getting closer. I remember thinking something funky was going on when Ozzy was bringing a clam onto the beach and all of a sudden we heard some ’70s porn music playing. What exactly is Ozzy about to do to that clam, I wondered? And do I really want to watch? Actually, I think I kinda do! But then Amanda showed up and ruined everything. They talked about how cute they thought each other was, and soon enough it turned into Survivor: After Dark, and the two were sucking face back at camp while everyone was sleeping. At least they thought everyone was sleeping. Cirie and Jonathan woke up, thankfully decided not to start sucking face themselves, and then talked about the dangers of letting all these lovebirds stay in the game.

There was also a possible romance brewing over with the Fans. Mary was flirting like crazy with Mikey, and who could blame her? After all, doesn’t every woman go crazy for a dude with a humongous ticket stub tattooed on his back?

NEXT: A Fan gets smoked by his Fave

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