Robert Voets/CBS
Kate Ward
February 28, 2015 AT 01:23 AM EST


TV Show
Reality TV
run date
Jeff Probst
Current Status
In Season

Poppycock. I say that word mostly because I enjoy being able to write the last half of it without being censored, but also because the majority of the conversation in last night’s Survivor was pure poppycock. Nonsense. Gobbledygook.

First we had J.T. calling Russell a ”good-old country boy.” (No, he isn’t.) Then we had Russell telling Jeff the merged tribe had decided to call itself ”Yin-Yang,” because it means ”good and evil.” (No, it doesn’t.) And then, to top it all off, the episode ended with the blindsided J.T. telling cameras (complete with my spliced-in reactions): ”People are villains for a reason. [True, J.T. Russell is a villain for lying, Hannibal Lecter is a villain for finding people tasty, and Celine Dion is a villain for covering ”You Shook Me All Night Long.”] Don’t ever trust them. [Because why would you ever trust someone tapped with the ”villain” label? That’s like sniffing dry-erase markers when they’re labeled ”toxic.” It might be tempting, but you still shouldn’t do it.] Worse than that, don’t ever trust women. [Well — wait, what?! Russell was the ultimate reason behind your downfall, not the ladies! Unless one of them gave you one of those prank kaleidoscopes that leaves a black circle around your eye in some footage cut from the episode?]. Ever, ever, ever. [Or was it that $1 million bill attached to a string trick?]”

Either way, I would be willing to forgive all the crazy talk in last night’s episode if not for all the boneheaded gameplay — on both tribes. (The aforementioned trusting of Russell, nonchalantly bowing out of an immunity challenge when you should be acting a teensy bit scared, flushing two idols — including a secret one — at one tribal.) But we’ll get to all those in a bit. Instead, we’ll start from where we left off last week, when we said goodbye to Courtney, which was good because she was about two days away from looking like something that would scare Abbott and Costello in a haunted laboratory. But since Russell had not voted out Parvati — as J.T. asked him to do in the Lisa Frank-approved letter he wrote the villain last week — Russell and his alliance had to do some scrambling. What would they tell him? How would they convince him that he was still calling the shots? Parvati, Russell, and Danielle came up with probably the only smart plan of the episode: Russell would tell J.T. that both he and Parvati played an immunity idol at tribal — because of a revolt in the so-called women’s alliance — and that Russell is officially now siding with the Heroes. The whole thing ended with Parvati saying she was the queen and Russell saying the Heroes were going to be eating out of his hands, which means the Heroes sadly won’t be eating very much because Harfoots have little tiny hands.

NEXT PAGE: Mmmm, bloomin’ onion…

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