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Last time I checked, Gary Busey was not black. I point this out because I have called Busey crazy approximately 3,638 times while recapping Celebrity Apprentice this season. I didn’t do this to be mean, but partly to counter Donald Trump’s constant claims that Gary was “brilliant” and a “genius” and partly because, well, Gary Busey is crazy. Sometimes crazy is just crazy.
Which brings us to Phillip. Also crazy. I don’t mean in the clinical sense, necessarily, but in the loony, kooky, wacky, zany way. He must be completely unbearable to live with, but for us viewers he’s been a godsend. When the season started slowing down with Krista and Stephanie being voted out, there was Phillip to offer us a little drama with the “crispy rice” incident. And now Phillip was at it again, turning another disagreement over rice — what is it with this guy and rice, anyway? — into an accusation of racism against Steve. Of course, he then followed that accusation by dropping the N-word twice himself and claiming, “I’m like a lot of black men. We’re prepared to self-destruct at any moment. ‘Cause that’s what happens to a lot of black men. They do self-destruct.” (Any other dangerous stereotypes or generalizations we can make? Do they also wear pink saggy underwear with a feather attached to their head?)
It was an explosive scene. And yet all I can focus on is his parting line to Steve: “Wing Chun kung fu expert here.” I love that because it was so out of nowhere. It’s like, when in doubt, throw in a little kung fu. Oh, you won’t let us store our rice in your tin? Okay, well, guess what? KUNG FU! You say you need to talk to Ralph before deciding? I see, but did I mention…KUNG FU?! So now you think I’m crazy? Hmmm, you could be right. But then again, you may also want to consider the possibility of tossing on a little Carl Douglas because I’m talkin’ about…KUNG FU FIGHTING!!!
The only thing that could have made Phillip’s parting line any sweeter is if instead of Wing Chun he had busted out some Drunken Monkey style. Or at least Black Tiger kung fu — that certainly would have been more apt with the whole black/white discussion. (Five Petal Plum Blossom Qigong could have also worked in conjunction with his pink underwear.) But that’s just quibbling. So grab some white rice — wait, is that racist? Should I make it Uncle Ben’s instead? Wait, is that racist? Damn, this is hard — and let’s take the latest Survivor episode from the very top.
Things start off at Redemption Island with Matt having a little one-on-one with his BFF, God. Turns out being voted off twice has soured Fabio 2.0 on the game of Survivor. “You know how much I want out of this game,” Matt says to the sky. “I want nothing to do with it.” Well, there’s the spirit. “But if you want me to stay in it, God, I will. I will fight.” Honestly, Matt, if God is invested in the outcome of a reality television show, we all have bigger problems than you feeling a bit lonely on a tropical beach.
NEXT: Tower of Redemption Power