Robert Voets /CBS
Dalton Ross
March 31, 2016 AT 02:07 PM EDT

Forget about the merge! Who cares about the medical evacuation? Whatever for the first individual immunity challenge! Sure, we’ll get to all that in due time. But I need to start by asking you a question: Was this the most inadvertently sexually-laced-when-taken-out-of-context episode in Survivor history? I mean from top to bottom (no pun intended) it seems as if anything that came out of anybody’s mouth (again, no pun intended) was ripe for chuckles, guffaws, and chortles galore from immature morons such as myself. Let’s examine the evidence. These are all actual word-for word quotes from the episode.

“Neal was walking around with a big bulge in his pocket.” (Say what?)

“Double and triple teaming people is not the way to go.” (Excuse me?)

“You can’t double and triple team people.” (Oh, stop being such a prude.)

“It was so raw and burned.” (Ewwww.)

“We’ve all soldiered on and dealt with it — embraced the suck.” (What’s that, now?)

“In a moment of desperation, all I have to do is reach into the family jewels.” (Not the first person to do that, I’m guessing.)

“Tai’s balls banging into each other.” (Oh, come on! That one was intentional!)

“Nick with a lot of movement — his balls dancing all over the place.” (Seriously, Probst? Now you’re just messing with us.)

Of course, everything sounds suspect when you have an immunity challenge like this. Even seemingly innocuous statements like “At any point if your hands touch your ball…” or “Everybody put two balls on your disk” sound dirtier than intended. But still, this episode must have set a land-speed record for unintentional innuendo.

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Bulges? Double teams? Balls banging? I mean, for crying out loud! I’ve tried to contain all these sexual-yet-not-sexual mentions into these few paragraphs rather than having them go in-and-out (Dammit! Unintentional!) throughout the entire recap.

So not unlike Neal’s bulge — which left the game with the player rather than be passed on to someone else — it’s time to move on. And move on we shall to recap one of the most pus-filled episodes in Survivor history!

The episode begins with Joe being very confused with the whole “original plan” thing from the last Tribal Council. Aubry, who gave control away by changing her vote at the urn, is more depressed than confused. “We’re done,” she says of the Brain tribe, which makes one wonder why she decided to vote for Pete and give up all the control. (Maybe she pulled a Cochran and just wanted to avoid a tie and going to rocks?)

And Aubry’s assessment is pretty spot-on judging by what Scot — who is annoyed by her indecision while voting — has to say. “I am absolutely going to be picking off the Brain tribe now because of that indecision,” he tells us. ““If I have to go to another Tribal, I am absolutely going to write down Aubry. Joe. Aubry. Joe. And I’ll just cross ‘em out until I decide which of them I want to go first.” That’s actually pretty damn funny. And would be even funnier if he actually does it.

After an extended discussion the next morning over at Chan Loh about the size of Neal bulge’s, Jason once again tell us how he holds all the power. (Whether this is some sort of defensive commentary from Jason on the size of one’s bulge not correlating to the amount of one’s power is open for discussion. I’m not going to go all Marco Rubio–Donald Trump in a debate on how the size of one’s body part relates to any and all other matters.)

But that power dynamic could be changing because here comes some random dude on a boat up to the Chan Loh beach. Any hope of it being an actual pirate there to pillage and plunder are dashed as the rando just hands them a note telling them they have five minutes to pack everything up to head to Gondol for the merge. Everyone is all excited about making it to the individual portion of the game, and the same is true for the folks at Gondol once they see the boat approaching. Scot even carries his BFF Jason from ship to shore, no doubt sending Tai into a shame spiral of jealousy and self-loathing.

So here we are with 4 beauties, 4 brains, and 3 brawns all chowing down at the merge feast. Actually, upon closer inspection, is anyone even eating? It looks to me like a choose-your-booze situation, with everyone hitting the bottle pretty hard. Unfortunately it does not lead to any Tom Westman falling down drunk situations, which really is my only hope and dream at this point.

The drunk reward or merge feast buffoon used to be a Survivor staple. Remember Jonny Fairplaly showing up wasted for Tribal Council? Hey, NEITHER DOES HE! That’s what made it so amazing. But that hasn’t happened for years. And it’s a damn shame. Ply these people with more alcohol, please. Can’t we sign some celebrity booze entrepreneur up for a little product placement? Sammy Hagar could hand deliver a bottle of Sammy’s Beach Bar Rum! Ludacris could freestyle to the contestants about the joys of his Conjure Cognac! Dan Aykroyd could introduce the tribe to some of his Crystal Head Vodka, which — it should be noted — comes in a big glass skull bottle, just like the giant skull found on Survivor: Panama’s Exile Island. It’s a natural fit!

Look, I’m just spitballing some ideas here. Get whatever sponsor you like. Sign up the Silver Bullet if that’s the way you want to go. I just know drunk people on a beach usually makes for funny TV. Same rule applies to life in general, actually.

NEXT: Survivor High School is now in session

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