Jeff Spicoli is dead. For if Taylor on this season of Survivor was the real-life embodiment of Fast Times at Ridgemont High’s resident stoner, then last night was Mr. Hand ruining all the fun by intercepting Spicoli’s pizza delivered to history class. No, that’s not right. This is one instance in which Taylor was actually one step ahead of Spicoli. He would have been much cagier than that, having the delivery guy stuff the pizza in a locker so he could retrieve it one slice at a time while on make-believe runs to the bathroom.
I guess it’s more like Mr. Hand showing up at Spicoli’s house on prom night to go through an entire year’s worth of U.S. history (especially since Taylor talked openly about not caring about things, like who was president). In any event, the party is finally over. Because I’m pretty sure that’s how Taylor saw this entire season — and it’s most likely how Taylor sees his entire life — as one big party. In a way, I’m envious of that outlook. I wish I could be so carefree and not spend 94 percent of my existence stressing about various things that aren’t worth stressing about. I wish I could just chuckle at pretty much anything anyone — including myself — says. But I’m way too neurotic for that.
So I don’t begrudge Taylor and his “chill-bro” vibe. But as a viewer… Holy crap, it was frustrating watching him play this game. Strike that from the record, actually, because technically, I don’t think Taylor actually played this game for even a single second. He was too busy mouthing to Figgy how hot she was.
Even his island girlfriend said Taylor was incapable of making any strategic decisions whatsoever. And even his biggest bro-lliance member, Jay, drew a pretty direct distinction between the two of them at Tribal Council. “I have dreams and goals. I’m not a regular, dumb surfer,” said Jay, to which Taylor replied, “I’m not a dumb surfer.” Yeah, Jay! Take that back! He’s not a dumb surfer! He’s a dumb snowboarder! Get your facts straight, man. The most illuminating part of that exchange is actually what came after, when Jay said “No offense, dude” and Taylor just laughed.
However, in Taylor’s defense, he did go out fighting. Now, granted, he kinda walked into Tribal Council with a suicide vest on, blowing himself up in the hopes of also taking out Adam. And only time will tell if it was enough to take out his second target. But at least he had a strategy — any strategy. And now he doesn’t have to worry about burying mason jars in the sand, as he can eat all the food he wants at Ponderosa. Plus, he has his whole future with Figgy to ponder! “I got a girlfriend and hopefully we’re gonna buy a sailboat and go have some adventure together, so I’m pretty stoked about that,” he said after being voted out.
Only problem is that “adventure” appears to have included another woman Taylor impregnated back home before the game. At least, that’s judging by Figgy’s comments to me: “There was a real-life situation that I found out after the game and it led to Taylor and I not being together.” And that’s also judging by a since-deleted Twitter post by Taylor that he was “stoked to be a snowboard instructor/DAD this winter!” with a big “Adventure Begins November” photo. But his adventure here is over. Now let us chronicle the episode from top to bottom to see how it all went down.
We begin on night 23 at Vinaka after the blindsiding of Michelle. Jay says Adam was a “freakin’ idiot” for siding with Gen X, even though not siding with Gen X means he would have just been voted out, so I’m not sure how that makes sense. “How did this happen?” Jay asks Taylor, who responds there are only so many people you can trust in the game, and when they’re gone, you’re in trouble. Oh, you mean like…MICHAELA?!?!
This is why I argued Jay should have taken the post-merge tribe temperature before he started cutting loyal allies. But the only thing more annoying than a bad game move is a dude rubbing in what a bad game move you made, so I’ll shut up now. Besides, it looks like Adam and Taylor are having another meeting of the Super-Secret Keeper’s Club. Each have damaging intel on the other — Adam knows Taylor stole the food because he caught him doing it, while Taylor knows about Adam’s reward steal because Adam decided to tell him. Whoops!
So they agree to keep each other’s secrets, and then Taylor goes and meticulously plots out his next 12 strategic moves that can get him out of this predicament and to the end of the game — while also keeping himself in everyone’s good graces so they will vote for him to win the million dollars. Nah, I’m just screwing with you. In actuality, he goes and digs up his stolen food again and proclaims “This is my best idea ever!” The saddest part is, I believe him.
NEXT: Bret gets wasted, while Adam wastes an opportunity