”Tell Me You Love Me” recap: Butts & buttheads
After the climax of last episode (and of course I’m talking about May’s), I must cop to fast-forwarding through much of our young couples’ squeezy times this week. I would pause to make sure I wasn’t missing anything of note — Carolyn bellowing like a moose, Hugo’s flat butt pancaking there in front of me for eternity — and then get on to the good stuff. Incidentally, a couple friends cried foul this past week, asking if I really had watched May’s sex scene with nothing but pure admiration. Who was I kidding to pretend to be that evolved of a viewer? Fine, people, as much as I salute Jane Alexander and David Selby, I too cop to moments of screaming and blushing. I’m no more sophisticated than the rest of you. But I also watched it three times and called people into the room to judge for themselves. ”Gross,” said one friend. ”Hot!” said another. Polarizing! Unlike the sex tonight, which seemed at best besides the point.
Let’s start with the couples who are doing it. Jamie, Jamie, who erased all of my grudging goodwill from last week by walking around this episode in a tight tank top, cute boy-cut briefs, and Uggs. I’m tempted to leave her plot summary at that because, really, doesn’t that say it all? But I’ll give in and pad out that Kate Hudson-from-any-romantic comedy moment to include a brief skeleton of her skeletal plot. Hugo surprised her late at night and she screamed, ”F—!” Which, now that I think back on it, is what she always blurts out when she’s scared, frustrated, high, or happy. Her only response in life, as in love, is ”f—!”
So it turns out that Hugo, who strangely looked half as cute this episode (was it the white sneakers?), wants Jamie back. She told him that she’s seeing someone else, he started whimpering, they got naked, she called the new guy and told him she missed him. This chick needs to be sent on a girls-only Outward Bound. Nonsensically, she was promising one man that she wasn’t running back to her ex in one scene while dragging Hugo in the next to go for a couples session with May. There she dropped the bomb that she’d stepped out on him while they were engaged. He, understandably, flipped and stormed out, leaving Jamie crying like a weenie on her therapist’s sofa. May, quick, slap her in the face and save us from this ”I’m so pretty, how do I find myself in these messes?” world.
Speaking of messes, fricking A, Carolyn is pregnant! She thought she was PMS-ing through much of the episode, and at one point said, ”My tits are going to explode!” (I bet more men out there would finally start watching if they were promised such a sight.) Unclenched for the first time, she was back to drinking coffee and sucking down booze with Mason and stealing drags off her cigarette. So when she wiped not once but twice (now this is method acting!), looking for signs of her monthly red, was anyone really surprised that her toilet paper stayed lily white? There finally was that elusive second line on a stick, and Walger’s face was a perfect mix of stunned delight and holy-crap dread.
That poor baby. His daddy looks like he’s ready to skip town with the shopgirl. Whatever anger and hurt Palek was repressing for all those failed baby-making months is now oozing out of him. His unilateral decision to shed the house, and to sell it on his terms and time schedule, is a nice mirror to Carolyn’s single-minded quest to conceive. She’s not sure if she’s ready; he couldn’t give a damn. ”I can’t get out of this f—ing place fast enough,” he announced with disgust.
NEXT: Marital lust