Are you hanging in there, rose lovers? Staying hydrated, taking your multivitamin? It’s been a rough few days, what with the family drama and the endless hyping of promised Fantasy Suite drama that turned out to be little more than… Wait, sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s rewind and talk this through from the beginning.
“Oh, St. Lucia, you are so pretty.” No, Juan Pablo is not wooing another “lady” – he’s just stating the obvious about this episode’s locale, home to Jake and Vienna’s fairy-tale showmance. The real wooing will happen later tonight, in the Fantasy Suite. “Overnights are special because there is no cameras,” explains Juan Pablo. “I’m going to get a chance to talk to the girls with privacy… All the time we want, no cameras. Perfect.”
Not so fast, buddy. Your first date, Clare, isn’t sure she’s going to choose to forgo her individual room to stay with you as a couple in the Fantasy Suite. “Honestly, it’s been something I’ve been going back and forth about,” she admits, and when Juan Pablo mentions that they have “all night” together, her response is a coy, “May-be.” They sail to a private beach on their fancy yacht, and even though the sky is gray and threatening rain, they take a swim for the benefit of Team Bachelor’s underwater cameras. The date moves along at an uneventful clip, with Clare fishing for compliments about her white halter dress, and then wondering aloud if it would be “weird” for her to meet Carla if she and Juan Pablo end up getting engaged. “You know how people get weird about stuff like that?” she asks the Bachelor. “I would want to talk to her and let her know how I feel, you know?”
Producers – and Clare herself – try to gin up some suspense as to whether Clare will or won’t say yes to the Fantasy Suite. After being branded with the Scarlet “Ho” in Vietnam, Clare isn’t about to let Juan Pablo give her the “we made a mistake” speech again. “I really respect how you feel….. and how you take [Camila] into consideration, and I do too,” she tells the Bachelor. “I realize that it matters to me that it matters to you.” Wait… so is that a no? A yes? A you’re going to have to work for it this time, buddy? I guess it’s the latter, because after Juan Pablo explains that unlike in Vietnam, this isn’t a 4 a.m. booty call – this is part of the pre-planned “overnights” extravaganza – Clare formulates an answer that essentially translates to si. “I really, really, really want to spend more time with you… as long as we are on the same page.” All rightie, then. ¡Vamos!
The Suite itself is all Carribbean whites with bright accent pillows and dozens of candles. Team Bachelor’s set it up to be the perfect place to say “I love you,” and Clare almost makes it. “I’m loving falling in love with you,” she tells Juan Pablo (aka the man she “wants to have babies with”). Survey says: Good enough! Get in the hot tub, you two – your circle of Bachelor life is almost complete. Lest you think anything untoward happened on their “sleepover,” Juan Pablo’s here to set you straight: “just laying in bed and talking and talking and cuddling.” Two things about that: 1. Riiiiiiight. 2. Dude, unless you also braided each other’s hair and played Light as a Feather Stiff as a Board, you can’t call it a “sleepover.”
NEXT: “We freakin’ talked and laughed for hours”