Part of me 100 percent believes that The Bachelor started as nothing more than a science experiment. Some old dudes in lab coats decided to see what women would do when forced to live together and fight over one man. Either that, or it was a bunch of old dudes in sports coats who wanted to bet on said women. Either way, there were old dudes involved, it was creepy, and now they’re disgustingly rich (those of them that are still alive, that is).
Regardless, according to my notes, week three is the moment in the experiment where the women really start to pick one another apart. At this point, dates are happening, crushes are forming, and in order to survive, the women spend their days tearing one another down. (Oddly, the Bachelor mansion shares a striking resemblance with Corporate America.)
We kick off the judgment with Lauren B. and Amanda discussing how Olivia claims she spent $40,000 on clothes. Is she talking yesterday? In her entire life? They don’t care. They just want to talk about how awful she is. (And if she’s living on a former news anchor salary, she’s also a liar.)
Waiting for the first date card of the week, the women get a surprise visit from Chris Harrison, otherwise known as the human date card. He explains that this week, there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date. As he drops off the paper date card, Jubilee can’t help but think that getting a one-on-one with Ben would be the happiest moment of her life, which is sad on a number of levels.
GALLERY: Ranking Every Season of The Bachelor
But for now, the one-on-one goes to Lauren B. Taking the flight attendant to the airport, Ben plans to give her a flight unlike anything she’s experienced before. Ben invites Lauren B. on a “magical carpet ride,” which isn’t a magical carpet ride at all. Instead, it’s a quick ride in a biplane, but whatever.
Lauren B. is terrified, but thankfully, the couple has a super helpful pilot leading them. As the pilot informs them once they’re already in the air, “Oh yeah, we’re flying.” THANKS, DUDE. So happy their lives are in your hands right now.
At this point in the date, I’m thinking the producers set this up solely to switch up the altitude at which Ben says “incredible.” Either that, or they wanted to watch Ben and Lauren attempt to kiss around their headsets.
As Ben and Lauren fly over the Bachelor mansion, Olivia is concerned that Ben is “feeling the love bug” with Lauren. Can someone explain what it means to feel the love bug? Should Lauren get Ben a paper bag?
But as any good flight attendant knows, the flight is really about the destination. And with that in mind, Ben takes Lauren to the middle of nowhere, where the Bachelor scientists producers — clearly working hard to meet their hot tub quota this year — have placed a hot tub in the middle of a field. To quote Ben: “There’s a tree, if you want to change.” Good lord, Ben, don’t sweep her off her feet too fast.
And yet, after a few kisses and a few more glasses of champagne, Lauren is “so glad that we’re here,” even though no one knows exactly where “here” is.
RELATED VIDEO: The Most Dramatic Bachelor Recap Ever Episode 3
NEXT: I’m so sorry, soccer