Kristen Baldwin
July 22, 2014 AT 05:03 AM EDT

It’s the most wonderful time of the season, rose lovers! Men Tell All time means playing all of your favorite Bachelorette-themed games, like “Spot the Guy You Swear You’ve Never Seen Before in Your Life” (Nick S.??), “Guess Which Dude Will Lose the Audience Scream-o-Meter” (it’s a tie between Andrew and Craig), and of course the toughest task of them all, “Survive Painful Filler Segments with Past Contestants.” Enter the Tealight Candle Thunderdome… if you dare.

Harrison bounds on stage to the leitmotif of female audience members screaming with delight. Then, in a horrifying display of power, the host welcomes Ashley, JP, and their unborn child to the stage. “Behold!” bellows Harrison. “I will multiply Bachelor Nation’s descendants beyond number, so that they will be as countless as the stars in the sky or the grains of sand on the seashore!” He then summons a master of dark arts, who uses his instruments of magicks to reveal that Ashley and JP shall bring forth a baby boy unto this earth, and he shall dwell in Miami until he is called back to the City of Angels to rule over Casa Bachelor in season 46.

Oh hey, it’s time for another Bachelor in Paradise promo. Man, did they pack all of those poor suckers into two rooms in Mexico or something? Those are some tight-looking quarters. As for the action, I’ll sum it up thusly: Bikinis! Boats! Beaches! Babe-on-babe action! Bawling! Brawling! Beeps! Blood! In other words, set your DVR for Aug. 4 and say goodbye to your brain cells.

At last, the foreplay is over and it’s time to reunite with the guys. As much as I want to punch whichever evil bastard came up with the idea for the Ashley-JP ultrasound segment, I want to marry and have babies with whatever genius decided all of the guys should arrive on the stage wearing flouncy, colorful man-scarves. But the levity is short-lived, because now that the men are finally here, Harrison wastes no time cueing up the Montage of Douchebaggery. Highlights include Craig pushing Patrick into the stove, JJ calling Chris a “f—ing p—y” and a “cocky f—ing a–hole,” and “Blackie”-Gate.

Naturally Harrison starts with the last, most sensitive item on the list. And the topic only gets more sensitive after Andrew tries to give Ron props for how he handled the incident… which would have been totally fine except it was Marquel, the other black guy in the cast, who was the one who confronted him about the racist statement Andrew allegedly made. (Team Bachelorette cuts to a blonde lady in the audience with her jaw dropped open in shock, and then to Ron in the back row, looking sadly bemused—thereby covering the full spectrum of emotional responses to Andrew’s excruciatingly uncomfortable “they all look alike” blunder.)

NEXT: Marquel reviews his time in the Friend Zone

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